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GPS Leads To A Generation Unable to Read Maps and An Inevitable Canadian Invasion
by Kris on 5/1/2007 (0)

Easy, yes. Innocent, no.
Use of Global Positioning System (GPS) has spread faster across the United States than a case of herpies at a Kevin Federline convention. Most people have looked only at the positives of GPS: the ease of getting direction, the ability to chart waypoints, knowing exactly where you are to an 1/8th of an inch. Few have stopped to consider that it could lead to our enslavement by Canadians.

Growing up as a youth in America, one of my fondest childhood memories was Map Day, or as the government likes to call it, Tuesday. Each Tuesday, our class would spend literally minutes going over how to read maps. I learned such important facts such as North is up and South is down, why streets are far superior to avenues, and why the concept of delivery pizza in thirty minutes or less was never going to last.

Over the years, I have found my ability to read maps to be incredibly helpful. Whether it was finding a raging kegger, visiting a long lost friend at a homeless shelter, or navigating the streets (and sometimes sidewalks) of Liberty City in a stolen car that we all knew was really supposed to be a Mustang, I never could have done it without my intricate knowledge of maps, streets, and directions. When I stop and think about all the road trips I have made, it is scary to think where I could have ended up had I not been able to follow a map. I could be in Cleveland, Ohio right now!

GPS was invented in the mid-1990's by Canadian scientist/Eskimo George Peter Shore as a method to track the numerous polar bears in the area that had a tendency to eat George's friends. Or so the public believed. In reality, the GPS was invented for a much more sinister plot that will be revealed for the first time ever three paragraphs from now.

Whatever the circumstances behind it's creation, GPS use took off in America and rendered the common map obsolete. Few schools these days are teaching children how to read maps or even follow a simple series of turns, merges, and road construction detours. Most children today just think they can jump in a car, say "Computer, take me to iHop" and directions will be magically spilled out to them like syrup on top of sweet lady pancake. But what happens when GPS isn't there to hold their hands?

"If current educational trends continue, in ten years, a GPS outage of widespread scale could lead to nationwide pandemonium," said leading educational researcher John Spock. "Those who cannot read a map would be driving the wrong way down streets, driving off raised highways, and stopping on the shoulder of the road even when it wasn't an emergency. Worse still, planes, helicopters, boats, and flying cars could be crashing into mountains everywhere. It would be the biggest disaster since Battlefield: Earth on Ice."

Such widespread destruction would bring nationwide transportation to a grinding halt. Goods couldn't be moved, people couldn't get to their offices, and stripper poles would be vacant. In short, America's economy would be destroyed. With no workers and no goods to sell, it would be only a matter of days before we all reverted back to barbaric tactics like pillaging, plundering, and whatever it is that Dick Chaney does on his off time. And that would open the door wide open for the Canadian takeover for which GPS was created to facilitate. Prepare yourselves now Americans, because unless we start teaching our children to read maps today, we are all looking at a future of being ruled by the iron fist of Dudley Do-Right and his maple leaf loving brethren. Free healthcare, hockey night, and mayo on ever


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