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Rising Dairy Costs Cause Nationwide Panic
by Kris on 5/3/2007 (0)

Buying in bulk takes on a new meaning.
Skyrocketing oil prices haven't just affected the auto industry; they're taking a heavy toll on dairy farmers too. With more and more consumers turning to the cheaper and more environmentally friendly corn made ethanol to run their vehicles, the price of feed corn for livestock is promising to reach levels that will have Orville Redenbacher rolling over in his grave.

This high cost of corn will be passed on to Joe Dairy Farmer, who will in turn pass the cost on to consumers by means of higher priced milk and cheese. Randy Newman is currently working on a song to detail the whole process.

"We have been through some really grueling times," said lifelong dairy farmer Lorraine Merrill. "We will see our prices go up significantly over the next two or three months to a point where only the richest Americans will be able to afford milk and cheese."

The sudden price increases have caused pandemonium in grocery stores nationwide as consumers look to horde dairy products while they can still afford them.

"I went to the cheese isle and just filled my cart," said worried consumer Bernie Henson. "People looked at me like I was crazy, but when I'm sitting on a mountain of cheese and they're begging me for my scraps, then we'll see who is crazy."

One Delaware Intergalactic Grocery Association store had to close its doors after a riot broke out over the last gallon of 2% milk. Other grocery stories have reported similar incidents though no others have been forced to close.

The sudden price increase has also caused the rise of Cheese Barons in America. Cheese Barons specialize in the trade of cheese and other dairy products, often through illegal means. Like the Red Barons that came before them, they are not afraid to shoot down anyone that should cross their path as they chase the almighty dollar and German air supremacy. Tactics employed by Cheese Barons include smuggling, cheese running, and jaywalking.

"Cheese Barons are a horrible plague on society," said New Hampshire police officer Ryan Riley. "They're like a bad rash that is probably herpies, except that they sell illegally imported cheese and I'm fairly certain they aren't transmitted by a sexual encounter with a sterile goat name Steve."

Riley also added that Cheese Barons are notoriously difficult to capture because of their willingness to disregard common laws and cross the street at any point, often losing police officers as they search frantically for the nearest crosswalk.

Rick Kermit, dairy expert at agriculture analyst DTN, said Americans will continue buying their pizzas and yogurts and double-mocha lattes as long as they're available despite huge price increases. This penchant for unnecessary food will cause financial ruin for a vast majority of Americans and ultimately the collapse of the entire United States economy.h=0" hei


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