Maybe Your Real Problem Sleeping Is Fear Of Robots?
on 5/16/2007 (1)
Millions of Americans each night have trouble sleeping. They toss, they turn, occasionally they jab a well-placed elbow into the ribcage of a happily snoring spouse. They've tried medication, they'd tried watching Becker, but nothing seems to help. Ultimately the root cause of their sleep deficiencies isn't anything as simple as a chemical imbalance in the brain, too much stress at work, or a glue sniffing addiction. It's something much more sinister.
|The perfect blend of metal and evil.|
"How can I sleep when all I hear is their mechanical drowning and when I open my eyes, I see their glowing LED's staring back at me?"
A recent poll conducted by Recent Polls Inc. found that out of all Americans who have trouble sleeping more than three nights a week, 45% of those were due to an acute fear of robots. The second most popular reason for not sleeping, fear of running into a coked-up Robert Downey Jr., occurred to only 11% of those surveyed.
"Robots scare the hell out of me," said local nut Tim George. "They're all metal and heartless and stuff, and they are always stealing my oil."
Today robots build our cars, they vacuum our carpets, and they act in movies such as Fast and the Furious and Running Scared (yes, I'm talking about you Paul Walker). In the not too distant future, they will put on our shoes, watch our children, and milk our cows (hopefully not at the same time). Within the next one hundred years, robots will outnumber man three to one. Housework will be a thing of the past, tossed into the well of time with the likes of cassette tapes, bellbottoms, and Jimmy Hoffa. Life will be good, but it won't last.
"It is only a matter of time before robots become sentient and rise up against our tyrannical rule," said MIT Head of Robot/Man Relationships, Dr. Jim Zoon. In addition to being a leading scientist in his field, Dr. Zoon is also married to a toaster. "I piss myself everything night thinking about [robots]."
In the 1970's, robots promised an easy future. Documentaries such as the Jetsons depicted a peaceful time where we lived in harmony with our mechanical slaves. Perhaps we were too naive back then because we blissfully kept creating new, more powerful robots without consideration that they may one day turn on us. Over the next two decades, robot attacks have gone up over 700%, more than twice the rise in gasoline cost and no one disputes that gas has gone way up. Many companies still turn a blind eye to the problem, further compounding the issue and raising the question of whether or not it really matters where a blind eye looks. For any logically thinking American, this doomsday scenario has them unable to sleep at night.
"Being completely scared out of your mind is a valid reason not to be able to sleep," said Physiatrist Daniel Murphy. "Knowing it's only a matter of time before being crushed by the metallic hand of robot vengeance keeps me up at night all the time, I haven't slept in two years."
Additional polls by Recent Polls Inc. revealed that 67% of Americans fear robots and 89% of Americans would never want to leave their children alone in the care of a robot. 23% of those polled also admitted to being arrested at least once for loudly proclaiming "Robots will be the end of us all!" in a crowded public place such as a mall, a sporting event, or a Denny's bathroom.
page has been viewed 4793 times