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New Metric Alphabet Proposed
by Kris on 6/26/2007 (1)

Whoa!
Long standing has been man's confusing with measurements and weights, and so to this hold true with the alphabet. Literally millions of Americans struggle with reading, a plight known scientifically as illiteracy but more commonly as Keanu Reeves Syndrome. Much of this confusion has come from the strange number of letters in the alphabet, twenty-six, which makes conversion to any other lettering system nearly impossible for all but the most mathematically inclined.

Years ago, a magical system based on easily understandable conversions based on factors of ten and cool prefixes like killo and deci was invented that revolutionized the entire world. This system became known as the metric system. Met for meticulously awesome and ric for it's inventor, Ric. The entire world without any exceptions soon embraced this easy to use standard, making terms like gallon, mile, and farfignugan unheard of in all but the most backwards of countries.

While this standard covers many of the weights and measurements in use to this very day, it did not touch on perhaps the most used symbols outside of numbers and the single raised middle finger, letters. That was until the rise of the Covenant de Metre, a failed Cleveland rock band turned visionary letter do-gooders.

"With the new metric alphabet, we aim to set the number of letters in the alphabet to an easily understandable factor of ten," said Covenant de Metre front man and part time Radio Shack employee Brain Pelt. "This will allow for easier conversions to other languages and easier creation of words."

Under the new metric alphabet, the total number of letters will be raised to one hundred.

"We tried to get it down to ten, figuring it would be more manageable, but ultimately found there were phrases that we simply couldn't express using just ten letters," said Pelt.

So the team opted instead for one hundred and undertook the daunting task of creating seventy-four brand new letters. Many of the new letters involve new sounds never heard before, some involve clicking noises or hand gestures, and two of the new letters are only audible to dogs. While the Covenant did an admirable job, it does seem they got lazy near the end, introducing letters like triple B, five R, and a letter simply know as "third from the end".

To simplify spelling, all words must also be spelled in multiples of ten. This will eliminate the confusion of silent letters and double letters, as a simple count should show you exactly the makeup of a word. Pelt has suggested adding additional O's to names in order to make short names ten letters long, as was demonstrated by his nametag that clearly read "Brianooooo Peltoooooo".

The Covenant will be presenting their initial metric alphabet draft to the Cleveland State legislature next week in hopes that they will become the first city to officially adopt the new standard. Their proposal was written entirely in metric and is exactly 10 kilowords long. They will be following the proposal with requested cover songs from the seventies and eighties. Snacks will be provided by Little Susie's Fish and Chips.


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