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New Wider Screen Televisions
by Kris on 3/12/2003 (0)

Since the beginning of time when man fought dinosaur in a quasi-futuristic super battle for control of the Earth and giant fish roamed wild in the forests in search of Nazi gold, man has yearned for a wider television set. "I like my television sets like I like my women," commented one local man, "The wider, the better."

Early television sets cared a 1.33 to 1 aspect ratio, which means the length of the television tube was 1.33 inches across for every 1 inch in height. At the time, most people were content with simply having a television set, not questioning the lack of any real width on their televisions. That was until television pioneer Johnny McDivit made his voice heard.

"Johnny was a crazy, crazy man," said Johnny's brother Steve. "He's the kind of guy that you see running naked on the street, screaming that the government is using ice-cream to control the minds of squirrels. If you ever had the pleasure of meeting him, you'd most likely wish that he was slowly eating by piranhas in some sort of ritual sacrifice to the Gods. But he did have one good idea... flying cars. Oh, and that wider television thing too."

Around 1960, Johnny commented in his monthly newsletter "Mad Ranting Lunatic" that the 1.33:1 aspect ratio was good, but it could be wider. This opened whole new worlds to the six readers of the newsletter. Somehow, someway, this idea got passed on to various executives in charge of manufacturing television sets and they liked it. "It's a good idea, I like it," commented one such executive.

"Rumor has it that after the tremendous reader response to his idea, Johnny had his idea printed on toilet paper," said television historian Doug Johnson. "Late one night, he broke into various television manufacturers and replaced their toilet paper with his and put Vaseline on all the door knobs. While the employees at these offices didn't appreciate his Vaseline prank, they were very fond of his idea for a wider screen, and of the soft two-ply toilet paper on which this idea was written. That other stuff was just rough on the ass."

Unfortunately, at the time of the idea, the technology was not available to widen television screens. While movie viewers were treated to these wider screens, home viewers were left in the dark. It wasn't until the year 2001 when "Digital" was discovered that a wider screen became possible.

"We're not really sure why we couldn't make the screens any wider," said one of the scientists in charge of advancements in television technology. "We're not really sure of much actually. Most of the time, we just watch movies and repeatedly check the closets for vampires and goblins. They're coming for us... please get help, I'm not ready to die."

Now that the year 2001 and beyond is at hand, these Digital televisions, known as High Definition Television (or HDTV) have become widely available and slightly affordable. They feature a 16:9 aspect ratio, which allows for approximately 34% more area to be seen on screen... or at least we assume so, it's more of a guess than anything really, math or research really aren't our strong suits.

Many people were content again with this new aspect ratio. One man though was not, and he has planned to bring an even wider screen television to the public.

"16:9 is good, but I figured why not make it six times wider?" said Matt Sherman, inventor of the Wider Screen Television (WST). "People liked the new wide screen TVs, I just figured that they'd like the Wider Screen TV six times better."

Matt Sherman is a multibillionaire, making a huge fortune from selling pornography to minors through a loophole in Texas law that makes it legal to sell porn to minors if you yourself are a miner and can recite all fifty state capitals in alphabetical order while walking barefoot across hot coals. Thus Mr. Sherman had little trouble in financing this undertaking and soon WSTs will be available in stores


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