Local White Girl Listens To Hip Hop Music, Develops Puzzling Neurological Disorder
on 8/3/2007 (0)
TUSCALOOSCA, AL - Perfectly average 22 year old Tuscaloosa Alabama white girl Kandy Kurich, formerly of average mental proportions and fully standardized psychological dimensions, underwent a "dramatic, Frankensteinesque like metamorphosis after being exposed to vulgar Hip-Hop lyrics over a two year period between 2004-2006", according to Kurich's shocked and concerned parents.
|This guy... |
|can turn this darling little girl.. |
"Kandy was like any other girl. She was our pride and joy." Gasped Kurich's mom Karla. "She had hopes of becoming a dentist, or maybe even a doctor until this...thing...happened. It all turned rancid rather quickly after that, and we just don't know what to do. We just want our little girl back! *sob!*"
Kandy Kurich's vulgar transformation was the same that any Heroin or Crystal Meth addict would experience, a brief intense high followed by a vain struggle to merely feel normal, denigrating into a complete neurological deterioration rarely seen outside of Alzheimer's or perhaps even Down's Syndrome patients, all because of not drugs nor disease, but...yes...Hip Hop music.
"Kandy started listening to that awful negro 2Pac some years back, and with song lyrics like "I might blows up any minute, done it again. Dey say dat niggas like to do niggas, throw me in dem cuffs wit just two niggas. Now I'm in da back o' da paddy wagon, while dis cops bragging about dat nigga he be jackin!", her entire 12 years of Catholic education went up in smoke. She began speaking in simplistic, easy to pronounce phonetic ghetto lingo, and started to wear her hair up in corn-rows. It was a nightmare beyond belief. We watched our darling little girl slip away before our very eyes."
Indeed, doctors have documented the effect of Hip-Hop music on white girls before. Probably due to the sexually enticing, power and violence ridden, easy to recall lyrics and a heavy handed, repetitive bass beat, some sort of brain damage occurs, similar to that caused by eating lead paint chips or chronic exposure to bus fumes. Since the phenomena is so new, doctors are not sure if it is reversible, but most believe that abstinence from Hip Hop music may allow the sufferers to return to almost normal, although it is unlikely that they would ever be fully accepted back into their respective former family or community again because of their wild intercultural transgressions.
|into this! |
"We consulted several psychiatrists to see what can be done for Kandy, but the best advice we've gotten so far, ironically, is from the notorious rapper Snoop Dawg, who keenly offered "Used to be my homey, used to be my ace, now I wanna slap the taste out yo mouth, fuckin me, now I'm fuckin you, little hoe!", although they professed a "lack of practical knowledge in implementing Mr. Dawg's learned advice out."
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