NHL Desperately in Search of a Scandal
on 8/27/2007 (2)
You can hardly open a newspaper or turn on a television set this past summer without hearing a story writ with controversy. Steroids in baseball, dog fighting in football, and referee point shaving in basketball. Heck, even professional wrestling got into the mix when one of their stars went on a steroid induced rampage.
|What's this all aboot?!?|
But lost in the shuffle once again was the National Hockey League. Once consider one of the four major sports leagues in the United States, the NHL has been surpassed in popularity by the likes of NASCAR, golf, and Nick at Night reruns. Television ratings are plummeting, attendance is dwindling, and merchandise sales are down to circa 1923 levels.
Over the last decade, the NHL has attempted to reinvent itself with rule changes to speed up the game, glowing pucks, and giant robots adorning their television presentations for to appease the tradition robot loving American and Canadian viewers. Each attempt has failed more miserably than the last.
"A scandal is what the NHL really needs," said Commissioner Gary Bettman at a recent press conference in Montreal to address the damage caused by the lack of an NHL scandal. "It would get people interested in the league again, it would get people to know our players, and it would ultimately lead to a return to glory for our once proud game."
"It's a public relations nightmare," said NHL chief of marketing Harry Taint. "Everyone is talking about the NFL, MLB, and NBA with nary a glance in our general direction. We need to get back on the fans radar no matter what it takes."
Source within the league say the NHL has hired at least twenty new personal solely for the purpose of uncovering any sort of scandal involving anyone even remotely associated with the NHL, from players to coaches to the guy that drives the zamboni.
"Rest assured, we are investigating steroid use, game fixing, dog fighting, robot fighting, illegal immigrants, jellyfish abuse, man-goat relations, illegal file sharing, zombie abuse, poor spelling and grammar, and about a hundred other things more disturbing than anything that any of the other leagues are being faced with or could possibly hope to be faced with," boasted Bettman. "It is only a matter of time before we uncover something that will rock the very foundation of the sports universe and make everyone remember why the NHL is so great."go.p/tds/go.php?si
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