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What Would Aliens Say About The Human Race?
by Mark on 2/24/2008 (1)

Greetings from planet Zorban! Zlorp!
In yet a another Smooth Operator exclusive, we have covertly obtained a top secret transcript from Area 51, recovered from a crippled alien scout ship after it crashed in a remote New Mexico desert by bribing certain nameless CIA Men in Black with a case of 18 year old Isle of Islay peat smoked Scotch and promises of a date with Celine Dion, (guess which worked), and offer it to our readers here. The following is dialogue between Commander Zolg, the ships commander, and first mate Zoltar X. All quotes are real and unedited, as real as you want them to be, that is.


Commander Zolg: "We have just gotten data returns from our spy scouts regarding the human species on what they call planet earth. Interesting to say the least."

Zoltar X: "Really? What does it say? I'm twiddling my tentacles in great apprehension, sir."

Commander Zolg: "Yes, you are twiddling mine too, and I really, really wish you would stop doing that. In any event, it seems that the inhabitants of this tiny remote planet are carbon based and are composed of mainly water with a small quantity of trace elements. We have determined that they evolved from an ancestral single cell organism that inhabited the vast bodies of water that engulf much of the planet, and later evolved into air breathing life-forms that moved onto land."

Zoltar X: "Ahh, much like our own race. But why do they look so odd? They only have one head and two eyes. Certainly a disadvantage in warfare, one would think."

Commander Zolg: "Indeed it would be Zoltar. The humans are indeed odd. The mass of their central nervous system, which they call a 'brain', is located atop their smallish upright trunk. Four appendages, that are termed 'arms' and 'legs', extend from the trunk. The arms have prehensile digits used for grasping. The legs have dysfunctional digits that serve as bipedal cantelevers. They are clearly a sexual species, as both male and female variations exist."

Zoltar X: "Please, please elaborate further sir. You have peaked my curiosity. A sexual species?"

Commander Zolg: "At ease Zoltar. I miss my wife Xena as well. Unlike our species, the humans have reproductive organs at the juncture of the two lower walking extremities, tucked beneath a skeletal superstructure called a pelvis. The male has a fleshy appendage that fills with circulatory fluid when aroused for mating, and the female has an internal egg chamber to receive the male's genetic strands. While this is not surprising, and is seen on lower species on our own planet Zorban, what is somewhat eye opening is that these sexual organs double as waste elimination organs as well. Liquid waste passes through the same channel as reproductive material in both male and female. Quite strange, indeed."

Zoltar X: "Maugh, sounds rather dishygenic. One must be surprised that they have any desire to breed at all. Our method of transdermal insemination seems much more efficient and neater, to be sure."

Commander Zolg: "Yes. They seem to be able to contend with it, though. Another area of interest is how humans communicate. They expel compressed air through specialized oxygen processing organs called 'lungs' and into the eating orifice, called a 'mouth', which doubles as a sound chamber that allows them to form unique sounds, which they call 'language'. The human brain is capable of mapping these sounds and converting them to abstract thought. Truly advanced for such a far flung planet, though they lack an agreed upon


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Comments

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