Hopeless town destroyed by forest
on 3/24/2003 (0)
For the small town of Hopeless, New Jersey, the surrounding forest always garnished images of peace, tranquility, and bears wearing park ranger hats and stealing picnic baskets. Never though, did the forest present the image of death and destruction to any of the townsfolk. That is why it was so surprising when, on March 20, 2003, the actual forest trees uprooted themselves from the ground and lay waste to the town, destroying all the buildings in town and killing all the citizens.
|This ain't your mama's tree... unless your mama's tree was a bloodthirsty creature who leveled villages, which in that case, this is your mama's tree. |
"We was just sit'n on the porch talk'n about them new fangled phone machines when we these trees just walked up and smacked the beegeesus out of sleeping box," said one of the many victims during this attack. "I looked at them trees and I said, 'Hey trees, why don't you go back to the forest!' but that didn't stop them. They was like that lizard Godzilla from that movie Chicago. Cept without the fire breath and they didn't climb any build'ns either like that Spiderman."
Hopeless is a small town of about five hundred people. It was founded in 1870 by a race of half-human, half-beaver cyborgs. Fortunately, shortly after the man-beaver-cyborgs founded the town, they were whipped out by a more powerful race of giant sheep. The giant sheep later lost the town in a poker game to a wandering drunk who populated the town with his numerous illegitimate children. Due to the sheer amount of stupidity and drunkenness in the town, no one from the outside moved to the town, ever. To this day, everyone in town is closely related and cousin marrying is considered the 'cool thing to do' and is actually required by law before the citizen's twelve birthday or else the child will be stoned to death.
Hopeless is nestled in a thick forest of trees. There are no roads going in or out of the town. This was planned so that the people of Hopeless could not spread their virus of stupidity and gonorrhea to neighboring towns and it was also hopped that they would not be able to provide for themselves and die a horrible death in the woods, like Michael Bolton. While the citizens of Hopeless did survive being isolated, they were also surrounded, and trapped, by the most unlikely of enemies.
On the day of March 20, 2003 at approximately noon, trees all around the village uprooted themselves and entered into the town. Most of the citizens, either too drunk or too stupid to know better, stood idly by as their town was destroyed and they were brutally massacred. "They was big and slow," said one citizen who was killed in the attack, "But we was drunk and stupid, and most of us accidentally lits ourselves on fire." During the next forty-eight hours, the trees proceeded to level every building and kill every person in the town. No one survived to tell the tale. "They killed us all," said one Hopeless citizen. "Everyone's dead," claimed another.
|"I tried scream'n at dem, but dem still kill'd me and my Fido." |
No one knows for sure exactly what provoked the trees to attack, but there are a few popularly accepted reasons at this time. Dr. McTea of the local genetic research lab, which splices aggressive genes into mutated trees in the surrounding areas and attempts to arouse them into attacking neighboring towns, has perhaps the most widely accepted of these theories.
"I suspect that the tree had just had enough of the citizens of Ho
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