Too Big to Fail: Bush Administration Seeks Buyout
Washington (WPM) - The George W. Bush Administration, now valued at only a fraction of what it was selling for in 2004, is actively seeking a stronger partner to resuscitate its diminished value and prospects. Like Bear Stearns, a formerly formidable Wall Street investment firm saved from imminent collapse by a government-brokered rescue by JP Morgan Chase only because it was considered "too big to fail," the Bush Administration today acknowledged that it too was seeking to merge with a previous, more successful administration, such as those of Presidents Reagan or Clinton.
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With an economy in its worst shape for nearly a third of a century, the largest government deficits in history, a sinking dollar, a war in Iraq providing no benefits for the United States which was entered into under false pretenses, and a historically unprecedented low approval rating, the Bush Administration is seeking a partner with the political and moral capital to keep it afloat for at least one more year. Sources close to the president say that it would accept a buyout from either the Clinton Administration (1993-2001) or the Reagan Administration (1981-1989), with which it has some historical relationship.
"We are, as the phrase goes, simply too big to fail," said a Bush Administration spokesperson, off the record. "We would be very happy to accept some loss of responsibility for the past seven years if it would gain us credit for the achievements of either the Reagan or Clinton Administrations. Compared to us, those guys have lots of success to spare. We would be happy to average it all out and call it even."
The spokesman added, "Heck, we'd even settle for merger with the Ford or Nixon administrations. Anything's a step up."
Spokesmen for the Clinton Administration, however, said that such a buyout seems very unlikely. "We gave those guys a surplus. A frickin' surplus. What the heck did they do with it all? If they think we're gonna just average out our surplus with their deficit, they've got another thing coming." Spokesman for the Reagan Administration were reserved in their comments. "We simply don't feel that Mr. Bush represents the sort of principled, conservative government that Mr. Reagan stood for. While it might benefit Mr. Bush to do so, we see no reason to confuse the two."
Bush Administration spokesmen responded to these rejections by saying that they would instead consider buyouts from more significant parties, such as Microsoft, Starbucks or China.
In a related development, a barely sustainable Iraqi government announced today that it had arranged a buyout from the Islamic Republic of Iran. "This has been a long time coming," said a Shi'ite Iraqi government spokesman. "We've known ever since the Americans invaded that Iraq would need to merge with Iran. Without Saddam at the helm, Iraq isn't really viable. There is really nothing to stop us now from incorporating Iraq into the glorious sharia empire of Shia Islamic rule. We'd like to thank the United States for enabling this.""0" sty0" style
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