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Beer and Darvocets Rumor Plauge Pie Eyed Paula Abdul
by Mark on 5/2/2008 (0)

"Weeee!"
(AP) A recent persistent rumor has plagued the sometimes glassy eyed, verbally stumbling American Idol judge Paula Abdul, according to shut-in Kankakee, Illinois housewife Lee Anne Mcmillan. Lee Anne describes:

"My God! She is so high! I can tell it from a mile away! Every time someone takes Darvocets and drinks beer, they act just like that...all goofy and stuttering. I'm 100 percent sure. I mean, I take Darvocets too, but I would never drink beer with them. I'm not that stupid! OMG!"

Embattled, Marquette, Michigan single mom Kathy Blancos strongly disagreed.

"Nope, she's on Paxil! I'll bet they put her on Paxil, because all of those Hollywood people are depressed because fame and fortune has eventually burned them out, and ruined their souls. She probably hates herself, and wishes for a simple life again. Yep, I know Paula and Paxil, and Paulas on Paxil!"

Other theories coming in from across the globe included diabetic hyperglycemia from a Florida Weight Watchers dormitory, Lou Gehrig disease from a Chicago Medical clinic intern study room, and dehydration and subsequent chronic fatigue from an Ethiopian Olympic Marathon runners club.

An insider, perhaps most revealing, analysis of the pie-eyed Paula came from Simon Cowell himself, who described Paula's lugubrious use of clumsy verbiage and flaky behavior as simply a result of "mild innate musical star bubble-headed stupidity and more than several pre-show Strawberry Margaritas, not always in that order."isplay:none">


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