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Consumer Alert: Don't Buy Roadside Beef
by Kris on 5/27/2008 (0)

Good eating?!? Not so fast...
Idiot, North Dakota - For years Americans have turned to roadside beef sellers to get the freshest beef. A recent wave of bad beef now threatens what was once considered as American as Apple Pie, Chevrolet, and KY Jelly wrestling.

"I've always bought my beef from Kirby, the roadside beef guy," said beef lover Brian Song. "My father bought beef from Kirby and so did his Father, and so on. After all that has happened, I'm beginning to have doubts about buying meat out of the back of a pickup truck."

Tainted beef epidemic spread like wildfire across North Dakota this week, after doing much the same in Iowa and Ohio just two weeks before. Unlucky consumers were left suffering from projectile vomiting, sudden and complete hair loss, and erectile dysfunction. All affected consumers reported purchasing their meet from a guy in a pickup truck next to a road, many of which were named Kirby.

In the early days of America, raiders would often rob trains on horseback of their precious beef stocks and then sell them from the back of wagons to grateful budget conscious consumers. This grand tradition continues today with pickup trucks, but no one is sure where the beef that roadside venders sell truly comes from, making it nearly impossible to determine the origins of the tainted beef. It is speculated these vendors may be stealing cattle in the night from local farms or possibly they have grown their own race of genetically mutated cows living in underground caverns and feasting off of unlucky spelunkers.

Unable to pinpoint the exact location of the tainted beef and without any sort of FDA approval, the United States Government is urging consumers to refrain from purchasing beef from roadside venders and only purchase chicken, lamb, and veil as these have all been found to be save for human consumption. Purchase fish from roadside venders with caution.


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