Man Buying Star Promises Untold Reign of Terror over Galaxy
on 6/17/2008 (2)
Idiot, North Dakota - 54 year old Ralph Peterson always dreamed of one ruling over his minions with an iron fist. But blessed with an IQ just shy of 80, no money, and a crippling drinking disorder, he had all but given up on that dream. That was until sites like StarRegistry.com came about and renewed his hope.
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These online star supersites allow you to purchase your own star with no regard for any beings actually living on those stars. It is through one of these services that Ralph, as a father's day present from his twelve children, was given full control of the star Artimus 3, which he promptly renamed Ralphsolvania, and her five planets.
It is not known if Ralphsolvania, which is located several million light years from Earth, has any life but if it does, Ralph has promised to bring a new era of untold terror to the galaxy.
"I will crush the spirits of Ralphsolvania until the population bends to my tyrannical will," said Ralph of his future government plans. "I will enslave the people and force them to build giant rock sculptures in my likeness through the most brutal of backbreaking labor."
Since obtaining rightful rule over the star this past Sunday, Ralph has been drinking beer and building a rocket ship, though mostly drinking beer.
"I've seen enough of Star Trek to understand the inner workings of galactic space travel," said Ralph. "I intend on completing my rocket by Tuesday of next week and I will be arriving in Ralphsolvania Friday."
Upon arrival, the reign of terror will begin. Ralph's first action as undisputed King will be to oust the current ruling party, torch the largest city to the ground, and create a harem of the finest alien women Ralphsolvania has to offer.
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