Weatherman Caught Using Weather Machine to Improve Forecasts
on 6/24/2008 (0)
Port Nancy, New Mexico - Weather man is a sweet gig when you're right but a cruel mistress when you're wrong. After years of mediocre predictions (at best), Local TV 9 weatherman Brian Nerf teetered on the verge of being demoted to the guy who gets the coffee for the weatherman or worse yet, the guy who pours the coffee for the guy who gets the coffee for the weatherman.
|As I have predicted, so shall it be. |
"In his darkest hour, a light seemed to go on," said TV 9 producer Barry Pebbles. "If he said it would rain, it would rain. If he said there would be twin converging tornados followed by a plague of locust, that's what there would be. He never missed a prediction for a solid two years. I thought there was no way we'd get hit with a monsoon in February this past year, but sure enough we did."
"Weather just speaks to me," said Brian of his amazing knack for predicting weather after being recognized as the 2007 Weatherman of the Year. "I'm like a modern day Nostradamus, except instead of doom, I predict sunshine."
The predictions were good, but soon the tiny town of Port Nancy would be rocked to her very core when it was discovered just how they could be so good.
"I've studied weathermen for thirty years," said Willey Mister, head researcher for the United States Weather Fraud Authority. "The best of the best might get 60% of their predictions correct, and often only after revising their predictions the day before the weather was to occur. Nerf was predicting weather with 100% accuracy as many as three months in advance."
The largest red flag seemed to occur this past May, when Nerf predicted a volcano would sprout forth from the ground and rain down a shower of molten lava on the town, then the town would be saved by an unexpected ice storm that would protect the town in a frozen cocoon. Also, Nerf predicted just days latter it would rain cats and dogs and it did, literally, rain cats and dogs, causing massive overcrowding at the local humane societies as workers struggled to find homes for several thousand animals, many with broken bones after having fallen hundreds of feet from the sky.
An impromptu search of Brian's residence by Willey, aided by a lead pipe and a black ski mask, revealed just what he had feared most, a Weathermaster X4200 Weather Master Unit or WX4200 for short. Created from designed initially conceived in Nazi Germany during World War 2, the WX4200 is the most advanced weather machine available on the black market today. It is capable of creating weather ranging from a simple spring shower to a world ending rain of fire and brimstone.
"A weather machine in the hands of the wrong person would spell doom for our entire society," said Willey at a press conference later that day. "Mr. Nerf was becoming more and more brash with his predictions, it was only a matter of time before he would unleash a storm of biblical proportions."
The local icon and hero to so many Port Nanciers was effectively destroyed, along with his soon to be released feature film debut "Godzilla VS Brian Nerf and his Evil Weather Machine of Doom" as the news quickly spread.
"I am very sorry for all the people I let down," spoke Brian in front of a crowd of angry townspeople brandishing pitchforks and torches in a symbolic show of their united hatred of Brian and their love of pointy things and things that burn. "I hope you all understand that it was never my intent to hurt anyone, not even when I caused the Elementary School to be swallowed in an earthquake last month or when I had twelve bolts of l
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