Bike Helmets Do Not Protect From Bears
on 7/4/2008 (0)
Idiot, North Dakota - Today researchers at the Idiot Center for Bear Research announced the findings of a multimillion dollar, ten year long study into the protective benefits of wearing bike helmets during a bear mauling.
|"Bears ate my family, bike helmet and all! If I wasn't a robot, I'd cry." |
"In short, we found not real advantage to wearing bike helmets," said lead researcher Jeremy Givens. "In fact, in multiple instances the helmets actually angered the bears more, especially the Dora the Explorer helmets the children wore."
The study was performed by paying unsuspecting bikers to fill their pockets with red meat and travel up and down trails that were known to have a high density of bears. The bears in turn were deprived of food and were frequently shot with tasers and rubber bullets in hopes of "really pissing them off" as Givens stated.
The bikers were told they were researching a new food preservative that would keep the meat tender and fresh and were allowed to keep the meat at the end of their rides, assuming they or the meat weren't devoured by the bears.
Hundreds of case studies revealed the bike helmets could easily be bypassed by the bear or bitten in two. In only one instance did the helmet provide protection when the bear inadvertently choked on it. Unfortunately for the biker in this instance, the dead bear fell on top of him and crushed him to death.
Now that this study is effectively completed with results that offer no benefit to anyone anywhere, the Idiot Center for Bear Research will be turning it's efforts to answering the age old question, "Who is better at blackjack, grizzly bears or brown bears?"s/tds/go.php?
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