Which Olsen Twin is the Evil Twin?
on 7/13/2008 (5)
If there is one thing we know about twins, it is that there is always a good twin and there is always an evil twin. Superman had his evil twin Bizarro. Spock had his evil twin Goateed Spock. Even Godzilla got an evil twin in Mechagodzilla. So it seems only logical that one of the Olsen Twins has to be the evil one.
|Good or evil? Let's find out! |
The Evil of Mary-Kate
Two-Word First Name
She has a two-word first name, just like Goated Spock or Evil Ash. Clearly two-word first names are far more evil than their one-word counterparts.
Dated a Douchebag
She dated Stavros Niarchos III, who also dated Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan. No one disputes that Hilton and Lohan are evil and thus it is logical to conclude that Mary-Kate is also evil.
The Olsen Twins are always referred to as Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen, never Ashley Olsen and Mary-Kate. Evil is selfish and would want its name first, just like Mary-Kate.
Eugene Levy Effect
Stared in the box-office flop "New York Minute" with perennially funny and good Eugene Levy. To offset the good karma of one such as Eugene Levy would take an evil of massive proportions. Ashley was also in this movie, but is not credited in the opening line of the Wikipedia entry. Deleting her name from the description seems like just another evil Mary-Kate may have perpetrated.
In 2004, she suffered from rapid-weight loss and was often seen projectile-vomiting pea-soup just like the possessed girl in the Exorcist. Those close to her have also, on a rare occasion, seen her head spin completely around. Clearly this is evil behavior.
The Evil of Ashley
One-Word First Name
She has a one word first name, just like Satan, Jason Vorhees, or Dick Chaney. Clearly there is a strong history of people with one-word first names being very evil.
Loves killing animals and wearing their fur as trophies, winning her PETA's "2006 Worst Dressed" award. While killing animals is cool, it's also evil.
Fan of Cancer
She dated Lance Armstrong, fifteen years her senior, in a heavily rumored attempt to torpedo his "Live Strong" anti-cancer bracelets. No one likes cancer, except maybe Ashley Olsen.
Hates Freedom of Speech
She sued "National Enquirer" in 2005 for a story claiming she was caught in a drug scandal. Never mind that the story opposite it revolved around Batboy's secret passion for surfing. In all likelihood, she will be suing Smooth Operator after reading this article. We're good guys here and that makes her evil.
Won't Call Me Back
She never returns my phone calls. Ever. I left her fifteen messages yesterday but not one single callback. I'm a nice guy, I'm reasonably fit, and I'm rolling in Smooth Operator advertising doe. But no, she'd rather date Justin Lee Bartha, who's claim to fame is being the guy in "National Treasure" that wasn't Nicolas Cage. If that's not evil, I don't know what is.
This was a tough choice, as both twins have made choices that clearly come across as evil. While Ashley has attempted to stifle free speech, killed thousands of animals (especially cute bunnies), and won't call me back,
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