Polar Bears must be taught to Swim
on 7/22/2008 (0)
Pole, The North - Polar bear populations are in some serious trouble these days. The estimated 20,000 to 25,000 polar bears worldwide could face a mass extinction if something isn't done to stop the ice they so freely roam from melting into the wild blue ocean.
|Someone teach those bears to swim already! |
The gentle polar bear, which is neither gentle nor moderately gentle, spends most of its days living on ice and devouring delicious baby seals, penguins, and Eskimos. Global warming now threatens their livelihood as rising temperatures could destroy the polar bear's home.
"Polar bears are not good swimmers by nature," said Dale Hall, director of the Fish and Wildlife Service. "They are slow and cumbersome in the water, not only preventing them from catching animals like seals but also leaving them susceptible to shark attacks, the polar bears one natural enemy."
Hall and those he has brainwashed into joining his cause believe that Global Warming cannot be stopped and we must instead better prepare polar bears for a life at sea. That is why longtime Herbie Hancock Elementary School swim instructor Jerry Player was summoned to the cause.
"We shall start with the basic doggie paddle and then introduce new techniques to the bears," said Player. "Eventually the bears will be back stroking and buttery-flying their way to a full stomach of ripe seal."
Player estimates that it will take him roughly six-months to get the bears into shape to take to the ocean and freely feast. Some environmentalists fear the wraith of a swim-capable team of polar bears.
"Just imagine if these good swimming polar bears swam to mainland United States and started eating everyone?" questions Alexander Walnuthouse.
Player was quick to dismiss such a claim.
"That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. Europe is much more suited for a polar bear attack, they'll be the ones getting eaten, not us.""0" style0" style
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