Crazy Woman Goes On Dog Squeezing Rampage
on 8/8/2008 (1)
Los Angeles, California - She strikes with the speed of a cheetah. She lurks in the shadows like a prowler. She eats with the passion of a young Fatty Arbuckle. And before you can react, your small dog is gasping for air as she cackles relentlessly.
|[Insert evil laughter here] |
"I was walking my little Fluffy in the park, I just looked down for a second to check my watch, and she struck," said terrified Los Angeles resident Barbara Tote. The woman proceeded to squeeze Fluffy tightly for upwards of fifty seconds, laughing maniacally, then dropped the poodle and fled.
This sort of situation has been reported all across the greater Los Angeles area over the past several weeks. In each instance, witnesses reported a heavyset blonde woman in her mid-50s would grab their dog, squeeze it for close to a minute, then leave. No dogs were seriously hurt, though several were very annoyed and one peed itself.
"What could drive a woman to do such a cruel thing?" lamented long time dog owner Gary Helmand. "It's all fun and games until a dog's head explodes, and you know eventually one will. If she ever tries to pull that crap with my dog, I'll put two bullets between her eyes and an ice pick in her back."
City police have been in full force search for the woman, who has yet to be identified. A tip-line has been opened and numerous fliers have been put up, but there are no solid leads thus far. Police have been instructed that the woman is quite clearly insane and have been authorized to use lethal force to bring her down if necessary.
Psychologist Bernie Lemons believes that the woman means no harm to the animals and is simply a seriously disturbed individual that should be avoided at all costs.
"She probably had a rough upbringing, a failed marriage, recently lost her job, was diagnosed with leukemia, and needs her wisdom teeth pulled," analysized Lemons. "Squeezing dogs is just her way of grabbing a hold of a world that is rapidly spinning out of control."
If you do see this woman, Lemons suggest that you try and make yourself look bigger, a technique commonly used to avoid bear attacks.
"Puff up your chest, look angry, make grunting noises," he said. "Do anything that can to differentiate yourself from a small dog. Don't leave any room for confusion, if she thinks you're a small dog, you could be her next squeezing victim."go.p/tds/go.php?si
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