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Let's Shoot All The Annoying People Into Space!
by Kris on 9/15/2008 (0)

If it were up to me, you'd be in space right now.
How many times have you been sitting around, enjoying a great day only to find the experience ruined by some annoying person? Maybe they're talking loudly on a cell phone or chewing with their mouth open or telling you about their kids... whatever it is, you just wish they would stop or at the very least bother someone else.

While leaving the area is certainly a solution, it is but a temporary Band-Aid on a gunshot wound in the war against annoying people. The only permanent way to solve the problem is to get rid of all the annoying people. And the best way to do that is to shoot them into space.

One of the great things about space is that it's got a lot of space, which is probably why they call it space. If you shot one annoying person into space every second for the next fifty years, the chances you'd ever run into an annoying person in space would still be only slightly better than the chance Keanu Reeves is finally awarded the Best Actor Oscar for his performance in Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure. And even in the off chance you did run into one, the vacuum of space would almost assuredly have killed them by the time you ever did.

At first glance, it may seem that some sort of giant "people cannon" would be the ideal method of sending annoying people into space. Unfortunately the size of an explosion capable of sending someone into space is so large that it would obliterate the person before they ever left the cannon, leaving you with a mess of charred remains that would be quite difficult to dispose of.

The best bet would be to use a catapult. In medieval times (the times, not the restaurant), catapults were used to hurl large stones hundreds of feet. A person is at least half the size of a large stone. And certainly catapult technology is far more advanced today than it was in 426 AD. Obviously this would be possible.

If a person is annoying or not would be a simple judgment call. There would be no defined criteria outside of being annoying. If someone bothers you, notify the authorities and off to space they go. This would work flawlessly because we would all be bound to the "Honor System" and would never send some undeserving person into space unless they were a real jerk... which is okay because jerks should be sent into space too.

The only downside of this approach would be that if one of the annoying people sent into space were to somehow procure a spaceship and begin rescuing other annoying people. He would then spend his lifetime amassing an army of annoying people in order to enact revenge against those that cast him away, like General Zod and Company in Superman 2 or Ted Danson in Becker. Eventually there would be a massive war between the normals and the annoying people. We'd win of course, but it would be a real hassle. But not so much of a hassle that it wouldn't have been worth several decades of annoyance free living. Man that would be sweet.ispl0" style="display:no


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