Giant Multicolored Dots Threaten United States
on 10/9/2008 (0)
Washington, D.C. - Nationwide panic begin earlier this week when CNN, MSNBC, and other news outlets displayed a series of maps of the United States covered in red and blue dots during their 2008 Election coverage. The various news outlets just continued to talk without nary a mention of just who or what the dots were, leading to rampant speculation as to what is the twisted agenda of these heartless, cold-blooded dots.
|Something wicked this way comes. |
The dots ranged in size from several miles wide to several hundred miles wide and appear to be hovering between 500 and 1,000 feet above the Earth's surface. Their large scale, roundness, and likely desire to destroy humanity brought up memories of the 1996 documentary Independence Day.
Strategic military intelligence tells us that the red dots are equipped with some sort of giant flame weapon capable of burning cities to the ground while the blue dots are equipped with a freeze ray that will leave a Canadian-esque winter wasteland in their wake. The red dots are also much angrier while the blue dots are calm, decisive, and seeking healthcare reform.
"Oh shit!" screamed Delaware native Danny Bonds upon discovering that the map displayed on CNN placed one such giant red dot directly over his home.
There have been several reports called into to police stations across the United States of people seeing these dots, mostly on the Eastern seaboard where the CNN map shows a high concentration of red dots. Most that called in were "scared shittless" one local police department told Smooth Operator. Many callers were also high on glue, cough medicine, sweet lady cocaine, or some combination of the three.
In cities such as Detroit, St. Louis, and Gary, Indiana, panic hit a crescendo as cars were tipped over, local stores were vandalized, housing prices sank, and unemployment numbers hit a new low.
| "Oh shit!" |
|- Danny Bonds . |
Fears the dots will explode the crap out of his house.
President George W. Bush issued a statement regarding the dots earlier today in hopes of calming the nation.
"We cannot possibly fathom the darkness that these dots bring," said Bush. "As witness to evil in the past, I can tell you that these dots are evil today. They are bringers of death, destruction, horror, and anguish. They hate kittens and rainbows and educational television. The destruction of humanity will be but a mild amusement to their icy-cold hearts."
The Air Force has scrambled several F-16 jets to search for and destroy these dots but thus far have been unable to locate any.
"They must be really fast or really invisible," said Air Force Chief of Staff General Norton Schwartz. Nonetheless, Schwartz has vowed to continue the search for several more hours, which would allow the pilots to get home just in time to see the latest episode of the Office.
CNN, MSNBC, and other large news networks have thus far been unavailable for comment on the situation. It is likely that they have already been destroyed. By first destroying the large news networks, the dots have ensured that the public will be unaware of their impending attack and all humanity will soon either be destroyed or enslaved.
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