Local Man Confirms Lunacy, Can't Wait For Hot Food To Cool
on 11/23/2008 (3)
BURTON, OH - Burton resident Jeff Woonch just recently confirmed "a lifetime of half-baked, ill-considered life choices, earmarked and typified by a seeming inability to let hot food cool down." Woonch describes:
'Ahh...yeah, It's become a problem...always has been one, I'm supposing. I got this tugging, self-conflagurating, inexplicable driving need where I pop a pizza or tamale or something in the oven until it's crusty-piping-hot-bubbly-cheesy-golden-brown perfection, and then cramming it in my mouth as soon as I snatch it out the oven. The directions say to wait for five minutes or thereabouts to cool, but I can never do that though...unsure why."
Woonch ran his thumb around his inner lip and upper palate and pulled out a piece of rubbery dead flesh the size and shape of a large rubber band, dangling it playfully
"This here's a Hertz Donut. Get it? Hurts, don't it?! Bwhaahaaha!"
Indeed, this odd inability to let hot food cool was not the only dangerous conundrum in Woonch's splotchy, ill-contrived existence.
"Well, I guess I tend to do it all over the place in my life. I prepare for a job interview by buying a new suit, brushing up my resume until it's virtually publish house proof, and then miss the interview because I got tanked the night before and need to sleep in, or finally decide to paint my house, carefully scrape and spackle for weeks and weeks, and then buy cheap Sears 8 buck a gallon paint and wind up having to do it next year again. It's a disease I can't cure. Go figger, Siggy Freud."
Woonch had recently experienced an upsurgent motivation to seek therapy for his marked, haphazard underachievement by referencing the names of a few local support groups, but flippantly tossed off "If I lie down long enough the motivation normally goes away."?si/tds/go.php?sid=1" w
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