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The Plight of Uncontrollable Nose Picking in Vehicles Today
by Kris on 11/28/2008 (0)

I heard there is carmel corn up there if you just dig deep enough.
All across America, citizens treat their car like their own private fortress of solitude, acting as if everything they do is hidden from the prying eyes of other drivers and pedestrians on the sidewalk. Recent studies indicate that the king of these activities is picking one's nose.

"I don't know what it is, but as soon as I get in a car, I have an undeniable urge to shove a finger up my nose," said New Jersey fabric salesman Ernie Zelman. Zelman estimates that he, like thousands of other commuters, spends as much as 50% of his daily drive with a finger in his nostril digging for Nazi gold.

When someone is driving in their car, they are lulled into a false sense of privacy. Because they can listen to their own music and not be heard, talk on their phone and not be heard, and generally be separated from others, drivers falsely assume that nothing they do is seen by others.

"People just don't realize that almost everything they do in a car is seen by someone else," said Doctor Greg Hammer of the North Dakota Medical Carnival. Dr. Hammer has coined this phenomenon "uncontrollable schnoz dredging" and believes one in five Americans suffer from this embarrassing affliction.

"Most people don't realize others see them and a select few just don't care," said Dr Hammer of those that suffer from uncontrollable nose picking. Dr. Hammer has documented several cases in which people clearly noticed that others were watching them pick their nose yet continued to do so relentlessly. He refers to these people as "sick, disturbed, and probably Ralph Nadar supporters".

Picking ones nose is not just disgusting, it's also dangerous. The vigorous searching for nose goblins often leaves drivers distracted and prone to crashing into other vehicles, pedestrians, or plummeting into deep ravines. In worst case scenarios, the crashes can cause the driver to shove their finger so far up their nose that it leads to brain damage that leaves them in a completely catatonic state for the remainder of their lives.

While a cure for uncontrollable schnoz dredging is currently beyond the reaches of modern medicine, there are steps that can be done to lessen one's desire. The "Pick Your Nose and Die" campaign has lead thousands to question or outright stop this activity through use of fear. Chastity nose belts are perhaps the most effective deterrent, making the nose essentially unpickable though they rob the wearer of their sense of smell and any dignity they may have. Others have taken to car pooling, as the shame of nose picking with someone else in the vehicle is enough to deter all but the most determined of nose pickers.

"I long for a day when I'm free from this curse," said Zelman of his uncontrollable schnoz dredging. "Until then, I'm just going to keep hoping that no one I know ever sees me driving."


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