Smooth Operator Seeks Government Bailout
on 12/3/2008 (2)
The banks are doing it, the automakers are doing it, so why shouldn't Internet Super-site Smooth Operator do it too?
Uncle Sam, we need your money!
On average, it costs $12 a month to run Smooth Operator, not including thousands of dollars worth of legal fees paid
to lawyer extraordinaire Defacto McLaw, millions in gambling debts, and billions funding a project intended to create
an unstoppable kitten army. This debt has financially crippled webmaster Kris Steele, who is now forced to fly first
class rather than in his swanky private jet.
For this reason (and greed) Smooth Operator is seeking $500 billion from the federal government to keep the site
Should their bid be successful, the money will be used to pay off the assorted loan sharks that have kept Smooth
Operator afloat for the past five years and the rest will be used to get Kris's face carved into the moon for all to
see, something Smooth Operator readers have been demanding for years.
"The collapse of Smooth Operator and my subsequent drinking binge would no doubt destroy the economy and the nation's
liquor reserves," Kris told himself for this article. "The only logical way to save the nation is to give me a whole
ton of money to do with as I please."
This is not the first time Smooth Operator has asked the government for money. When the site was first created in
2002, Kris sought $200 million in order to help realize his dream but was turned down because his dream was
"completely insane and threatening to all of humanity". In 2004, Kris tried to blackmail the Bush Administration with
Photoshopped pictures of President Bush and Saddam Hussein at a barbeque but was again denied. Most recently in 2007,
Kris attempted to convince the IRS that he had overpaid taxes to the tune of $11 trillion.
Their latest cash grab is likely to be denied as well, but that won't stop Smooth Operator from trying.
"Someone has got to get that money," said Kris. "Why not us?"
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