Ten Things We All Should Say More Often
on 1/12/2009 (1)
Don't hold that tongue, there is a lot you can say each day that will may your day pass just a little better. Shrug responsibility, avoid awkward situations, and offend others with these ten simple phrase that you should say each day.
"Take a bath"
We've all known a stinky friend, co-worker, or family member that could use a good hosing off. Most of the time, we're too nice to say anything about it. But why should you and the rest of humanity suffer because someone is incapable of maintaining good hygiene? If someone stinks, let them know in the most brutally honest way possible. When they're done crying profusely, they'll clean up and the world will be just a little better of a place.
"I hate you"
It's a lot of effort going around pretending you don't despise someone and wish with every fabric of your being that they be run down by a Mac truck while crossing the street. Whatever the reason for your boiling hatred, let them know. Once they know, you can become a bitter nemesis with them, exchanging evil eyes across the room and continually plotting each other's downfall. You life just got a lot more interesting.
While pushing was all the rage in the 80's and 90's, in today's politically correct world, a good shove is a lawsuit waiting to happen. Instead, if someone is in your way, yell loudly at them to "MOVE!". It is also acceptable to follow this line with "Bitch", "Fat-Ass", or "Fat-Ass bitch". Soon your path will be clear and you can continue on your way.
"That's my seat"
How many times have you been on a bus or train and couldn't find a seat? If you're anything like me, the answer is seven. Standing sucks, so procure yourself a seat by locating the least threatening sitting person and proclaim "That's my seat" while either cracking your knuckles, sharpening your knife, or at least hiding the latest issue of Cat Fancy which you will soon be reading from the comfort of your new seat.
"I got this one"
When out to dinner or drinks with friends or family, offer to pay. Tell everyone you just got a huge raise/won the lottery/found Nazi gold and advise them to order the most expensive items on the menu. Then when the check arrives, go to use the bathroom and escape through a window, laughing all the way home. You won't have to pay a dime and you'll have a funny story for the next time you're out celebrating another one of your raises.
"These are not the droids you are looking for"
It's fun to quote Star Wars, even when it makes no sense. Say this to perfect strangers and see if they laugh or give you a confused look. If the result is the later, consider bashing them in the head with a tire iron. There's a good chance they're Trekkies.
"It burns when I pee"
There is no quicker way to chase away someone that you're not interested in by pretending to have any sort of STD. Gonorrhea is a good disease to fake because it is scares people away without scaring them too much like flesh-eating genitalia disease does.
"I gave you a twenty"
Buy something small and pay with a ten dollar bill. When you get change back, look confused and tell the cashier that you paid with a twenty. No matter how much they insist otherwise or what the store's surveillance footage shows, insist that you did in fact pay with a twenty. Incrementally raise your voice as you speak, which is a common way to express anger. You'd be surprised just how often stores will give you the money just to make you go away.
"I didn't get that email"
You know that huge project that you were supposed to be working on for the past six months that is vital to the success of your company and needs to be finished by tomorrow? You know, the one you haven't started on?<
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