Friday Mailbag 1.16.2008
on 1/16/2009 (6)
Every Friday for the past six years, Smooth Operator's very own master of disaster reaches deep into his mailbag and answers a very special few questions. If you have any questions that you would like answered, email them to email@example.com with the subject 'Please talk to me, I have no friends'.
Help, it's cold out and my car won't start!
Kris says: You can try to jumpstart your vehicle in the event of coldness, but this does not always work. The juices in your car could be frozen and prevent it from springing to life no matter how much power you try to force into it. What you really need to do is warm your vehicle up. As I learned from survival class, the best way to warm up when cold is to use your body heat. I suggest you strip off your close, lay under the hood of your car, and wrap a warm blanket around the two of you until the car is heated up enough to start. If that does not work, try pushing the car to the edge of a volcano. It's always rather warm there.
Did you ever know that you're my hero?
Kris says: While I suspected I was, I did not know for sure until just now. I am glad to hear it though and will used my new-found hero-ism to crush evil, save kittens, and thwart literacy.
What is your best memory of 2008?
Kris says: There were so many good memories in 2008. Birds singing, beautiful sunsets, a rainbow after a stormy day, unprovoked robots attacking Canadians. There is no way I could pick just one. But if I had to, I would say the best memory was drinking mercilessly for seven hours and waking up the next morning in a pool of my own vomit with no knowledge of what happened the previous night nor where my left shoe had gone.
Do you Yahoo?
Kris says: No, I do not Yahoo. I do not use any search engines for that matter. I find everything on the web by either randomly typing in URLs or by clicking on funny links in emails. Why just the other day I discovered a wonderful site called Pizza.com that taught me everything I could have ever wanted to know about pizza. Did you know that pizza is the only food elected as a Senator in Delaware or that a warm pizza makes an excellent Frisbee? There is no way a search engine could have found that.
I'm a firm believer, as are many others, that if you cannot guess the URL of a site you want to visit or it is not sent to you in a funny email, the site isn't worth visiting. I would be willing to bet that 90% of Smooth Operator visitors discovered this site by just randomly typing in a URL (89% of which were hoping for porn).
I bet you don't post this question.
Kris says: Game, set, match, and point to me! Though in a way, I guess you win too because what you just said isn't technically a question. If I had to classify it as something, I would say it is a stupid statement by a stupid person that has a stupid haircut. How can I tell all that from an email you ask? Well, I knew it wasn't a question when there was no question mark, I knew you were stupid when you didn't ask a question, and I knew you had a stupid haircut because stupid people have stupid haircuts.
And that's that for another lovely edition of the Smooth Operator mailbag. Stay tuned for the next edition when we discuss falling home prices, alternative uses for Spam, and how to finally put an end to big band music (hint: shoot them into the
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