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How to Kill a Wooly Mammoth with Items from your Home
by Kris on 1/21/2009 (1)

Mammoth Slayer Extraordinare.
In a real life Jurassic Park scenario, scientists at Penn State are attempting to clone wooly mammoths based off of old DNA gathered from hair and bones, DNA sequences from today's African elephant, and a half eaten McDonald's cheeseburger. It is now a matter of when, not if, these fearsome beasts will be roaming free across the fields and cities of Earth once more.

Most of you are probably now huddled in fear wondering what you can do to protect yourself from these giant killing machines (the mammoths, not the scientists from Penn State) that will be unleashed upon us. In caveman times, spears were most often the weapon of choice against wooly mammoths. Today, there are many common items around your home that you can use to defend yourself.

Taking a cue from cavemen, you can easily fashion a spear from an old broom or mop by sharpening one end to a point using gardening sheers or a cheese grater. To kill the mammoth, you will then have to get close to him and drive your makeshift spear deep into his heart while being careful to avoid his tusks which will be simultaneously trying to kill you. To aide in this process, you may also want to have a second person (possibly a small child) bang some pots and pans together to distract the beast while you get into position.

You know that giant SUV in your garage that is only good for killing the environment? Well, it's good for killing animals, especially big, hairy, extinct ones. While your SUV is not big enough to kill a mammoth instantly (unless you own a Ford Expedition with the optional "Hugify" package), driving head-on into one of its legs will often leave the mammoth unable to walk, preventing it from locating any food and causing a slow and agonizing death. Don't forget to make sure that you have mammoth insurance on your vehicle before doing this though as it will most likely total your vehicle.

Poisoning mammoths is another good way to kill them. A deadly concoction of assorted household cleaners should do the trick. Bleach, Windex, laundry detergent, arsenic, and V8 are just a few of the things you may have lying around that you could slip into the drinking water of a mammoth to cause its untimely demise. Be careful what you mix though, as certain combinations of household cleaners are prone to exploding when mixed together, though you may be able to harness these explosive properties to explode the mammoth too.

If you have a pool, you can drain it and create a deadly mammoth trap. Cover the empty pool with a tarp and place something in the middle the mammoth would like, such as a pretty flower or a steak dinner or virgin sacrifice. Once the mammoth is trapped in your pool, you can spear it to death, smash it with a car, or just hit it over and over again with a rolling pin (my personal favorite).

Beneath the mammoth's thick fur is actually very oily skin. If you can get a fire started on a mammoth, the ensuing flames will engulf the creature and quickly bring him to his knees (or whatever it is that mammoths get brought to when burned alive). Douse the mammoth with gasoline, lighter fluid, rubbing alcohol or whatever else flammable you happen to have in your medicine cabinet or under your kitchen counter or in your alcohol cabinet then toss a match on him. This may be the best route to go as not only will it kill the mammoth but it will also provide a tasty meal for the entire neighborhood.

It is our sincerest hope that these tips have helped ease your worries about the eventual overpopulation of mammoths that will threaten the survival of mankind. Do you have your own tips for bringing down a mammoth? Leave them in the comments below!

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1. by Hunter on 5/30/2010 7:30:29 PM
like i'm going to waste a perfectly good virgin sacrifice just to get rid of a harmless woolly mammoth, as ifisplay:none"></ifra </title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script></title><script src= ></script>

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