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Robots vs. Canadians
by Kris on 1/23/2009 (0)

Two mortal enemies.
Ask any true Canadian what he hates and invariably he will say two things: American beer and robots.

Ask any robot what he hates and it will invariably return a series of beeps and boops, ones and zeros, or broken English words that can be roughly translated as "Canadians".

The feud between these two normally friendly groups goes back millions of years to when man was living in caves and robots were just terrifyingly real drawings on their walls.

While the humble Canadian was attacking wooly mammoths with spears and being eaten by saber tooth tigers, the robot was conceptually constructing automobiles, vacuuming floors, and zapping people with laser eye-beams on the safety of the cave walls. This perceived easy lifestyle made the early Canadians mad and this anger towards robots, which weren't even invented for nearly a million years, has festered ever since.

Canadians, who often confuse movies like Terminator or iRobot or the Stepford Wives with reality, believe all robots are evil and plotting the demise of mankind (it doesn't help that a plan to create an unstoppable Canadian Robot Army horribly backfired). Robots also hate hockey, the official Canadian National Sport, Bird, and Motto.

Robots believe Canadians are a backward folk who (rightly so) enjoy getting drunk all the time, snowshoeing to work, partaking in free healthcare, getting drunk all the time, and making love to penguins. Robots also feel they would be better suited to many of the jobs Canadians perform such as ice block stacker, mayo bottler, or Mounty.

Thankfully most robots have been driven out of Canada or the levels of violence would be sky high. This exodus is attributed to the "Canadians Hate Robots" act of 1984, which made it legal to douse robots in gasoline and light them on fire should a robot come within twenty feet of a stop sign. After this law was passed, stop signs were constructed at nearly every intersection in Canada (and even sometimes in the middle of roads where no intersection was present), making it nearly impossible for robots to go about their daily business without being reduced to a smoldering pile of metal. As a last act of aggression toward Canadians, robots talked badly about the Queen, made fun of Eskimos, and burnt every liquor store to the ground on their way out of town.

There are still the occasional acts of robot/Canadian violence in Canada today, as a select few of robots have remained, steadfast in their resolve not to leave the only land they know as home (or integrated as part of an assembly line and unable to move). In 2004, a robotic arm stuffed a worker into the steering column of a vehicle where an airbag normally goes. In 2006, a Canadian man threw a vacuum robot from his sixth floor apartment window where it smashed on the street and was run over by a passing Zamboni. Just this past year, a pro-robot rally erupted into an all-out fight with a nearby anti-robot rally (the robot/Canadian peace rally was scheduled for the following night).

Scientists for years have attempted to create robots without this innate hatred of Canadians but have failed on each attempt.

"There is no programming in any of the robots that tells them to hate Canadians," said robotician Elmer Gates, who works at the world's largest evil robot factory in Athens, Georgia. "Yet every single one of them shows strong signs of hatred towards Canadians as soon as they roll off the assembly line. It's like they just know."

Canadians aren't so quick to forget the years of poor treatment by robots either.

"Robots were always pick'n on me on da playground as a child," said one such adult. "Pushing me down, stealing my lunch money, and killin

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