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Cover Bums in Orange Paint to Make them More Like Traffic Cones
by Kris on 2/2/2009 (0)


Whenever I am in the downtown district, I inevitably run into one or two smelly, poorly dressed bums. Worse still, they usually want my money. Being the miserly fellow that I am, I knew there had to be a way to avoid this awkward situation and the possibility that, in an extreme moment of weakness, I may actually give one of them my spare change.

Looking deeply into not only the financial but also the psychological factors that cause someone to become a bum, it was easy to determine that there really was no other lifestyle suited for these people (unless their parents happen to own a very successful chain of hotels). And my plan to shoot the bums into the sun met strong resistance not just from a technological standpoint but also one of morality with nearly everyone everywhere opposing it (something about cruel and unusual I seem to recall).

Not going downtown was an option I quickly rejected on account of the sweet restaurants and bars located in just that area.

So it was obvious that we would somehow have to find a way to live in peace together, or at least there had to be a way to alert me when they were near so that I could discretely dart across traffic to the other side of the road where their lack of mobility caused by perennial drunkenness would prevent them from following.

Implanting some kind of GPS locator deep in their brains sounded like a good option until you factor in the cost of initial installation and maintenance on the GPS transmitters (remember the miserly thing?). Then I drew inspiration from my good friend, the plastic orange traffic cone.

While bikers, pedestrians, and guys in wheelchairs are continually getting hit by passing cars, vans, and school buses, the humble traffic cone sits unharmed amidst the heaviest of traffic. How does it do this? Some kind of force field? A Jedi mind trick? No, it is simply the color orange, which is easily distinguishable from other colors by even the most colorblind of folk.

By painting the bums orange, they are easily noticeable, not just for their new color but also because of the violent thrashing and screaming that often accompanies the dousing of a street person with a large vat of toxic chemicals. Now I know when I am approaching a bum far before I reach them and easily save money that can go towards my own crippling alcohol addiction.

As an added bonus, I have coined the word "porange" for the "act of pouring orange paint on a poor person so as to make them appear more like a traffic cone", marking the first time in the history of the English language that a word rhymes with orange. My attempts thus far to gain entry to the exclusive Wikipedia have been met by resistance of those who do not believe in dousing bums with paint, but if we continue to spread the word porange (and throw paint on bums), it will one day have to be acceptedone">

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