on 4/8/2003 (1)
Long standing has been the misconception that cigarettes are the products of dried tobacco leaves, harvested from vast tobacco fields by giant robots under the control of some sort of all knowing brain creature named Jeremy. The truth though, is that cigarettes are formed deep inside the Earth's core, created by the intense heat reacting with minerals in the ground and guarded by a race of molemen intent on the annihilation of all mankind.
|Artists rendition of the horrible nature of the molemen. |
"We don't know where this whole tobacco field thing came from," said a spokesman for the molemen. "We suspect it is yet another ploy of the government to deny the existence of an underground race of molemen who spend day and night plotting unspeakable terrors upon which we can enact upon the cruel Above-Grounders."
Whatever the reason for the cover-up, humankind has been harvesting cigarettes from deep underground for years. The exact origins of this practice isn't fully known, but it is suspected that it began with the cavemen. As a safety measure to stay protected from dinosaurs, telemarketers, and Dick Cheney, cavemen would often hide in caves. Occasionally they would wander deep into the caves and run across a cigarette supply left by the molemen. In attempting to use these small white sticks that they found to add to their fires, they accidentally placed them in their mouths and began puffing away. Soon the addictive nature of cigarettes kicked in and the cavemen made numerous return trips deep into the caves to find more. The molemen lay in wait and brutally massacred all who returned.
"The nicotine gets them addicted," commented moleman Steve, who is among the most bloodthirsty and disease-ridden of all the molemen. "Then when theys return, our pointy sticks gets them dead."
This grand tradition of cigarette mining, and consequently being killed by molemen, has been passed on over the years all the way to our current generation of cigarette miners who are just as eager to die as those who died before them. Today cigarette mining is one of the most dangerous professions known to man, lagging only behind postal worker and crash test dummy. Cigarette miners routinely face dangers such as perilous mine shafts, subterranean death dragons, and the ever present molemen. The career path of cigarette miner is often lovingly referred to as the "Widow Maker".
|He may be old, but that doesn't mean he can't get lost in a mineshaft. |
"I remember once my team of miners were jumped by a group of molemen riding upon death dragons," said miner Steven Jackson. "We thought we were all dead... but then the dragons realized they were the natural enemies of the molemen and turned on them. They ate every single one of those molemen... it was quite the site. I haven't seen a feast like that since the tigers got into the penguin house at the local zoo last week."
Each year, nearly seven million cigarette miners lose their lives to the molemen, dragons, and general cave related dangers such as molemen or dragons or Dick Cheney (who is now suspected to have chased a caveman into the cigarette mines and is now lost himself). This is almost
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