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The World According to Lothar, Special Valentine's Day Edition
by Mark on 2/14/2009 (0)

From Zurich, with love.

Hello, my dear friends. My name is Lothar Von Rasmussen. I am a free thinking Neo-Kantist, BMW motorcycle racing enthusiast, Dominican cigar aficionado, connoisseur of Swedish women and fine French Brandy, bidding salutations from Zurich, Switzerland, the cradle of refined taste and invention.

Happy Valentines Day to my friends and followers in the States.

How will you spend this Valentines Day? With a dear one? Alone in abysmal solitude? Or alone in abysmal solitude with a dear one? However you spend this happy day, consider these three stories of love, or lack thereof.

Till death do us part?

Four years ago to this day in Paris, France, a heart broken young woman named Kristal Demichelle, lost her husband to be in a fatal car crash. Undeterred, the eternally loyal Kristal married the corpse of her deceased lover, a funeral and wedding, all in one. Kristal has earned the rather mortifying distinction of being a bride and a widow...both at the same time.

The Wooden Man

A 50 year old Japanese clock maker, despondent over his futile, unrequited advances toward the women of his dreams, 20 years his younger, sought a unique way to prove his love to her, and hopefully capture her heart. Using his tedious, precise clock making skills, the man carved a eerily life-like self portrait out of wood, painstakingly crafted down to the finest detail...including the hair on its head.

The clock maker pulled actual hair out of his own scalp and tediously glued them to the head of his shocking creation. Needless to say, the young woman, not only unimpressed, but terrified by his grisly homunculus twin, fled his presence forever.

Perhaps the clock maker should have given the carving his heart, instead of his hair, which leads us to my final story...

Have a heart

In Elizabethan England, a young Shakespearian actor, crushed and despondent over the loss of his former lover, a notable theater actress, to the hand of the Duke of Staffordshire in 1597, made the solemn decision that he could no longer carry on. Crafting a Grand finale' par to the most grandiose of any curtain act scribed by Shakespeare's own pen, he literally resolved to give her his heart.

Paying a street ruffian 5 Pounds Sterling to carry out his final wish, the actor drank a fatal dose of Laudanum. Later that evening, the rogue lay a package on the women's door, knocked three times, and disappeared in the night. On top of the package was a rose, and inside...the man's still beating heart.

So, my loyal readers, on this Valentine's day to be, I wish you eternal love and devotion, and to the lonely hearts, pluck up your spirits, in time, love comes to all.

The moral is, sit back, have a sip of gently warmed Cognac and a smooth smoke of your favorite choice. Think of your greatest, most passionate hearts desire...

Now, use all the powers of your imagination to conjure the consequences if your wish is granted.

Be very careful what you wish for. Your wish may come true.


Post Script

Two of these three stories are true. Can you guess which one is false? If you read carefully, you will find a clue.

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