Ten Steps to Fix the Financial Crisis
on 3/11/2009 (0)
Let's face it, the economy is in the shitter, jobs are evaporating faster than Vanilla Ice's acting career, and the world in on the brink of financial collapse. The smartest minds in the world have been unable to fix this mess. Thankfully for the free world, Smooth Operator has these ten steps that will cure all woes and usher in an era of prosperity that has not been seen since 1983.
1. Moon Condos
There are way too many condos out there right now that are vacant or bankrupt or half-finished and destined never to be completed. The sad fact is that we overbuilt condos, there are way more out there than people that want to buy them. But the demand for condos on the moon is sky high. If we take even half the vacant condos in America and relocate them to the moon, this will lead to over a trillion dollars in sales into the real estate market and do untold wonders for the economy of the moon.
2. Win a Feel Good War
What really broke America out of the Great Depression wasn't the New Deal, it was all out war. Sure we have the Iraq and Afghanistan wars going on now, but both these wars have been trouble from the onset and are often major downers to Americans. Merchandising for these two wars has been the worst since the War of 1812 when Americans were too often being busy being killed by the British to be able to buy commemorative T-shirts and foam fingers. What we need is a war were we can go in, blow the wholly hell out of our enemy, and be back by lunch. Ideal candidates for such a war are Ecuador, New Zealand, and Massachusetts. The feel good emotions from such a war would be more than enough to break us out of even the most depressing of depressions.
3. Punch a Banker
Let's round up all the bankers and Wall Streeters responsible for this mess and give each American a chance to punch them in the stomach. Sure it won't solve anything, but it will make us all feel a little better. Brass knuckles will be allowed for those that lost more than $40,000.
4. Make Some People Rich
Let's face it, there isn't enough money to make everyone in the United States rich. And an extra $20 per paycheck isn't going to make a very big difference. So instead of giving everyone a little, let's give a few people a lot (people like me). The newly rich people will undoubtedly go on a spending spree, burn through their new money in no time and spur economic growth as their lives spiral into chaos.
5. Make the Jobless Doctors
Let's face it, there are too many people without jobs and healthcare is too expressive. Let's kill two birds with one stone... train those without jobs to be Doctors, nurses, and various other healthcare professionals. They'll happily take the work for lower pay (because they're making zero now) and subsequently this will drive down overall healthcare costs.
6. Issue Ransoms for Captured Canadian Citizens
There are lots of Canadians here in the United States. And Canada is doing surprisingly well financially while the rest of the world struggles. Let's even those odds by one day closing the boarders back to Canada, thus tramping all those Canadian Americans who just intended to visit for the day here in America indefinitely. Then we will ransom their safe return to Canada for exorbitant fees, giving us more than enough money to buy ourselves out of the crisis.
7. Tax Breaks for Pirates
All Americans secretly want to be pirates. By giving tax breaks to pirateering, it will encourage more people to become Pirates. The increased pillaging and plundering will bring new money into the economy and new jobs rebuilding villages. Additionally, this will also create more Coast Guard jobs, who have the unenviable task of foiling the sudden explosion in the number of pirates nationwide.
8. Eat Unwanted Animals
Do you have any idea h
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