Grilling, Suicide, and Name-calling Unleashed
BAGHDAD, Iraq - Iraq's Information Minister, Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf, announced a new, three-pronged Iraqi offensive today while assuring the Iraqi people that “Baghdad is safe and secure”.
|Artist's composite sketch of what Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf may look like today. |
This new offensive focuses on ‘grilling’ Coalition forces, relies on key elements of U.S. troops to commit suicide, and includes a very nasty dose of name-calling.
“We will encourage them to commit more suicides,” said Sahaf from a pile of rubble that could contain bits of the Ministry of Information Building. “The infidels are committing suicide by the hundreds on the gates of Baghdad. God is grilling their stomachs in hell.”
Troops of the U.S. 3rd Infantry Division, stationed at the gates of Baghdad, confirmed initial signs that the new Iraqi offensive appeared to be in motion.
“Our guys stationed here noticed a package had been delivered, addressed to ‘U.S. Infidels’,” said one military commander. It seemed a little suspicious to us, so we isolated it and examined its contents. What we found confirmed my suspicions that the ‘Kill & Grill’ campaign was being launched.
The package, which had a return address of ‘ACME Poison Company’, contained several bottles of green liquid marked with a skull & crossbones logo. A handwritten note inside the package read, “Dear American Infidels ~ Please to drink these bottles of delicious liquid refreshment so that you may feel not thirsty. Afterwards, you will please bring your stomachs for grilling.”
So far, the suicide campaign has been ineffective. “Yeah, we saw Mr. Sahaf’s broadcast,” said one G.I. “We sent the bottles back to him. Maybe one of his producers will leave it on the table for him during his next speech.”
The ‘name-calling’ prong of this new assault seems much more severe. Al-Sahaf has been quoted using such insults as “evil invaders”, “criminal bastards”, “blood-sucking bastards”, “losers”, “fools” and “poop-heads”.
Pentagon officials acknowledged that this verbal assault caught them by surprise, but would have little affect on the war’s outcome.
“We’ve analyzed these insults,” said a Pentagon spokesperson, ‘and while they sound quite nasty, their overall impact is minimal. Basically, the Iraqi’s ability to engage in this type of offensive is limited. As with our smart weapons, we hold the technological edge.”
In a display of U.S. insult superiority, Marine forces within Baghdad set up a 40,000 decibel loudspeaker system, broadcasting numerous “Yo’ Mama” jokes, with direct references to al-Sahaf’s mother. Pentagon officials would not comment on specific remarks.
|This is poison, not to be confused with the 80's rock band Poison. |
Meanwhile, recently relocated reporter Geraldo Rivera, located somewhere near the 7th Circumferential of Hell, reported no ‘grilling of stomachs’ in the area.
“I’ve just spoken to Satan,” said Rivera, “and he told me that there was nothing unusual going on.”
In this excerpt from an exclusive interview with the Prince of Darkness, to be aired by FOX News later this week, Rivera questioned whether ‘God was grilling’ Coalition Force stomachs in hell.
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