Louisiana in Terror after Governor Announces $666 Million Stimulus
on 3/13/2009 (0)
Rouge, Baton - Earlier today Louisiana governor Bobby Jindal announced $666 million in federal stimulus funds would be available for the state's budget for the upcoming year, an announcement that quickly struck fear into even the most casual of church-goers.
"It could have been $665 or $667 million, but the fact that it is exactly $666 million is a sure sign of the apocalypse," said local business woman Sally Barns.
Random polling indicated that seven out of ten Louisiana citizens agreed with that statement. Five out of ten indicated that Louisiana should give the money back. One out of ten felt that if the federal government refused to take the money back, it should instead be donated to this website.
The stimulus announcement hasn't been all bad news though, many stores in the area have experienced a surge of sales of weapons, survival gear, and canned food in preparation for the End of Days (the actual End of Days, not the horrible Arnold movie).
"Ironically enough, the end of the world may have saved my store," said Herb Jenkins, who's ailing sporting goods store sold as much in one day as it had the entire year so far. The biggest sellers were boxes of large caliber ammunition with the tagline "Penetrates the thickest of demon skulls or your money back".
Jindal was quick to downplay the significances of the stimulus amount matching the sign of the beast (666), instead speaking of how it could help to create jobs, improve education, and supply local militia the necessary arms to fight a demonic invasion.
Few Louisiana residents are buying the ruse though.
"There has been so much bad happening here in recent years, the Apocalypse seems like the next logical step," said one such fearful man.
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