Sahaf not seen; Satirists fear the worst
BAGHDAD, Iraq April 9, 2003 - Iraq's Information Minister, Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf, did not make his daily broadcast to the Iraqi people today, causing uneasy speculation that the intriguing representative may no longer deliver the factual accounts of events in and around Baghdad, that so many satirists have come to depend on.
Throughout Baghdad today, dozens of satire journalists appeared devastated at the possible loss of the man they came to know as 'The Ambassador of Accuracy'.
"What the hell are we supposed to do now?" asked one reporter. "For over a week now, we've been spoon-fed some of the best material I've ever seen. Now were supposed to just give it up, cold turkey? I don't think I've got the stomach for this."
Indeed, The Garlic News' own embedded war correspondent, Mark Fisher, gave testament to the grave impact of this latest development. Clearly stunned by the lack of News According To Sahaf, Fisher described situation on the ground in Baghdad in a somewhat jumbled and often rambling dispatch sent earlier today:
I'm overwhelmed... by a total sense of loss... and confusion. I see coalition troops all around me, everybody's whooping it up, including me, but there's an emptiness that I can't describe. He, Sahaf…let's face it, to an embedded satirist like me, he was the goose that laid the golden egg, the ultimate jackpot…I mean, all I had to do was make sure I didn't misquote him! I keep staring at the TV, waiting for him to appear and tell us that the statue of Saddam I just saw being flogged and beheaded wasn't really happening at all, that it was just being staged somewhere in Greenland or something. Hell, I'd settle for a Sahaf-double telling me that the Republican Guard just seized Tahiti! This is very unnerving… Speculation of al-Sahafs' whereabouts abounds. Pentagon sources tell The Garlic News that they are investing reports that he remains in Baghdad, "…probably out at the airport. He felt it was quite safe there, and may have purchased a ticket earlier in the week". Other reports being scrutinized include possibilities that he's "…disguised himself as a bunker-buster bomb, or maybe just hiding under his desk at the Information Ministry, which currently resembles a smoldering, 300' crater." Another, and perhaps more credible report states that Sahaf is currently negotiating for executive positions at The National Enquirer and FOX News.
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