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Robot Attacks Leave Lifelong Scars for Survivors
by Kris on 6/5/2009 (0)

Robots attack!
Every day three hundred thousand people are attacked by robots in their homes, at work, in the bathroom, at the grocery store, at Sea World, while waiting for a bus, during a jog, or while stumbling drunkenly home from a late night at the bar. Of those attacked, ten survive. And those ten will be dealing with harsh consequences of the attack for the rest of their lives.

"In the case of robot attacks, the attackie is often better off to be killed in the incident," said Dr. Brian Kelp, attending physician at the largest robot attack treatment facility in Delaware.

Kelp cites such trauma as missing arms, legs, and heads, crushed spines, and large chunks of metal where there should never be large chunks of metal. And in many instances, the physical trauma is less than the mental trauma.

"One robot attack victim I treated would cry for days on end after his alarm clock went off, which reminded him of the buzzing sounds made by the alarm clock robot that attacked him and killed his entire family," Kelp fondly recalled. "In another case, a man attacked by an assembly line robot now finds 'According to Jim' funny."

Most victims of robot attacks never return to normal life after their incidents. Often times it is because they are so crippled that they need to be cared for by others. In other cases, the victims cannot function mentally, living in a constant state of fear from attack by anything electronic.

Thankfully there are a few simple steps that you can take to lessen your likelihood of becoming just another victim in the war between man and machine.
  1. Most fatal robot attacks occur by a robot the person knows and trusts. Never trust any robot.
  2. If you are attacked by a robot, pretend to be a robot too. Robots never attack their own kind.
  3. Avoid assembly lines at night. If you must go, always travel with an armed guide that has experience battling robots.
  4. You cannot outrun a robot. When robots are near, make sure to identify vehicles that you could potentially use to escape or devices you could use to blow the robot up.
  5. Alec Baldwin is a robot. Be very carefully when approaching him for an autograph.

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