Hussein targets TV game shows
Iraq's disposed despot, Saddam Hussein, has reportedly shown signs of mounting a new offensive. Astoundingly, this new attack is on American soil.
Entertainment sources in Burbank confirmed today that several major daytime game-show offices have been receiving an inordinate amount of telephone calls from 'some kind of foreigners'. Spokespersons for all three major television networks confirmed that they had all received 'disturbing' calls and signals for several days.
"We've gotten no less than 50 telephone calls today alone," said one co-producer of the popular 'Hollywood Squares' game show. "Every time it's this same guy with a Middle-Eastern accent, demanding to speak to 'the President'. He never identifies himself, so finally my secretary passes the call to me. I ask who's calling, and he just mutters 'Sit down' or something. When I ask what the call is in reference to, he flies off the handle, yelling things like 'I will have Winkler's head! The Wheel of Fortune will burn forever in hell!' Then he hangs up. Twenty or so minutes later, another call, and this time he's ranting on about the old 'Card Sharks' game show. When I tell him that that show hasn't been aired since 1987, he starts shrieking, 'Deuce is low, ace is high, play the cards, now you die!' The security guard down on the 'Squares' set tells me that some very strange people have been hanging around outside the studio, looking for scalpers with spare tickets.
"Yup, same guys, three days in a row now," said one Puritan Protection guard at the CBS studios. "There must be eight or nine of them, you can't miss them. They all have these same weird paramilitary clothes, funny little berets, big wide leather belts, big fat mustaches. I just figured they were French tourists, you know, hoping to get glimpse of Joan Rivers or A.L.F. On Thursday they got real pushy at tape time, trying to muscle in without tickets. Yesterday, they all showed up dressed as big sticks of dynamite, with these stupid sparklers sticking out the top, sparks flying all over the place. When I told them 'Let's Make A Deal' is taped over at NBC, one of them started slapping the crap out of the others, yelling awful things at them…probably French curse-words. Anyway, after that they all got on the cross-town bus and left. I saw the bus driver point to the 'No Smoking' sign and make them put their heads out."
"I'll tell you one thing, though," continued the guard. "It's pretty weird. These guys looked the same. And I'm not just talking about the weird uniforms and costumes. I mean, they all looked identical ! Even dressed as dynamite, with just their pudgy faces sticking out, they were identical! What do you call that, anyway, ninetuplets? That's like triplets squared! What're the chances of French ninetuplets trying to sneak in to see the Hollywood Squares?"
Network sources confirmed receiving frequent calls from several people identifying themselves as "big-time bosses here to crush you", demanding to "speak to the Merv Griffin".
Pentagon officials would not comment on this latest development, but confirmed that the situation was under 'intense scrutiny'. Meanwhile, at an emergency meeting of the heads of ABC, NBC and CBS, executives were clearly apprehensive.
"This is a serious threat to us, to daytime television game shows and to the viewers themselves." Said one exec. "Nobody's kidding themselves here. We don't know if Hussein is alive or dead, but we do know he was a big fan of American TV, and game shows in particular. If he's slipped out of Iraq, and he's got all those clones with him, this would be the first place he'd try to make a move."
"Think about it. Saddam Hussein and eight of his look-a-likes filling up the Hollywood Squares set? Which one would be the comedian? Which one would be the Big Star of The Week? Which one would be gay? It's a nightmare scenario!"
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