Vending Machine Reorganization Causes Corporate Meltdown
on 6/26/2009 (0)
New York City, New York - It was near chaos earlier today at the Benjamin Advertising Agency (BAA) as baffled employee after baffled employee was treated with the wrong items from the vending machine. Several employees went home early, citing conditions too unruly to work. One man had to be talked down from the roof of the building by police negotiators and several others were hospitalized with various office related injuries. Thankfully no one died, though several keyboards met their doom.
The previous night, Vend Inc, suppliers of fine candy bars, chips, and beverages, decided to reorganize the items in the vending machine after focus groups revealed to them that candy bars falling from the top of the machine, thus creating a loud thud when then landed, was much more satisfying than having the chips at the top as previously construed. Profits were estimated to increase by 50% from this simple move.
"It was our understanding that this change would bring great joy to many office workers, a bright light to them in an otherwise gloomy day," said Vend Inc marketing manager Ted Doos. "Not in our wildest dreams did we anticipate the chaos it would create."
The problems begin at 8:02 am as secretary Mary Lars attempted to get her morning brownie but was instead treated to a package of Doritos. From there things snowballed as employee after employee received the wrong items, turning what should have been a quick pick-me-up into a brutal slap in the face.
"Early in the afternoon, every day for the last eight years, I press B6 for a Snickers," said BAA account specialist Jerry Barns. "You can imagine my horror when I pressed B6 and instead got Sour Cream and Onion potato chips. How the hell am I supposed to work with Sour Cream and Onion potato chips?!?"
Police and firefighters arrived at the office just after noon after worried clients reported something strange going on.
"Several clients attempted to visit the office for scheduled appointments but quickly left after hearing screams and being chased by two employees in fancy suits garnishing spears fashioned from mahogany conference room chairs," said police officer Daniel Jones.
The scene inside was even worse... cubicles were destroyed, chairs were on fire, employees of rival companies were forcibly trapped in a large cauldron of water placed over a fire, several employees were sitting around a table, completely nude, playing Backgammon. There was even a lion wandering the hallways.
Employees were quickly ordered to take the rest of the day off and cleanup of the building begin. It will be several weeks before the office can be reopened on account of the fire damage, blood stains from a failed human sacrifice, and several dozen dead animal bodies littering the floors.
When the office does reopen, the vending machines will also be restored to their previous order.
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