California Woman Finishes the Internet
on 7/20/2009 (0)
Barbra Walters, California - After spending every waking moment for the past fifteen years at her computer browsing the World Wide Web, today retired hair stylist Betty George finished the entire Internet, symbolically turning off her computer and getting out of a seat which now permanently bears an imprint of her ass.
"I've read all the news, stories, forums, listened to all the music, watched all the videos, and pirated all the applications," she told a group of reporters who would have been otherwise been covering a more interesting story had there been any more interesting story to cover. She even admitted to viewing all the porn, though she claims (which we dispute) that she found much of it "distasteful".
With millions of people adding new content to the Internet each day, it is an amazing feat that someone could actually finish the entire thing, though a feat made easier by a lack of consistant updates to Smooth Operator over the past few months. With an iron will and a lack of anything better to do, Betty proved all those naysayers wrong.
"It has always been my dream to finish something and when the Internet came along, it seemed like the obvious choice," said Betty. "It's unbelievable how much useless crap it has taught me."
Now that she has finished the Internet, Betty plans to take some time to relax at home, knit a quilt, and catch up with friends and family that she has neglected while working toward finishing the Internet for the last decade and a half.
"I haven't talked to my husband in fifteen years, I really wonder what he's up to these days," she told Smooth Operator. "I don't think he's dead though, I would have read about it had that happened."
When asked if she still planned to browse the Internet, Betty admitted she may still take the occasional look but never for hours on end again.
"If I spend another fifteen years browsing the Internet, I'll be dead," she said.
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