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Angry Jesus Punishes Local Man For Being A Dick
by Mark on 8/13/2009 (0)

Ya've gone too far, ya' have!!

According to embattled friends, family and casual acquaintances, Jesus Christ "finally socked it to local impudent, gambler/dealer/womanizer Jeff Woonch, after many years of illicit profiteering and obstinate sponging off of hapless victims", according to a bevy of smirking and satisfied detractors Friday. Woonch's 3rd ex-wife Loretta explains:

"I-I'll admit I was charmed by Jeff's con-artist persona initially, but so were man other gals. After we got married, Jeff's true personality emerged, though." sniffled Loretta between teary daubs of tissue "I married this wonderful, caring man, and then a demon reared its ugly head, a gambler who sold illegal drugs, staged fake injuries, and even sued McDonald's for a tiny chip of bone in a quarter pounder with cheese, all just to get gambling money. He'd hustle thousands of dollars in a few days, and blow it all in one afternoon on the ponies. Jesus finally got the bastard, and I'm damn glad, too, wife or not!"

Indeed, Jeff Woonch's folsom activities were geared for the sole purpose of obtaining gambling money via fake, multiple prescriptions for Vicodin and Percocets, most in his wife's name, fraudulent law suits, under the table labor jobs, sponging off of his lonely, plus sized wife, and skimming off the top of junk automobile sales and subsequent bogus title transfers.

"Jeff was involved in the sub-prime crisis as a broker, too." revived Loretta "He'd sucker buyers in who couldn't afford loans to make commission, and blow it on lottery tickets, pain pills and poker chips. I'm glad the whole scheme caved in. Jesus stepped in, and let him have it! Pow!"

Jeff Woonch was eventually convicted of wire fraud, dealing in narcotics and receiving stolen property and received 8 years in prison.

Recalcitrant Protestant Bishop Billy Gallagher, Woonch's minister, thoughtfully mused "Jesus was a carpenter, but he's got the boxer in his blood, especially when the collection plate goes around on a lean Sunday, and the President is on his side, I'll have you that, too!"

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