Released Baby Rhinos Could Spell Doom for North America
on 11/3/2009 (0)
You've seen them on the arms of today's hottest celebrities and on some of the richest and most influential people in the United States. Yet behind the cute faces and adorable horns of these little gray baby rhinoceros lurks a situation about to explode and destroy all of America, threaten the entire globe, and bring the galaxy to its knees.
"Everyone thinks baby rhinos are cute and make not only a great fashion statement but also a loving companion," said Ralph Barge, a fashion expert to the Stars who is currently on parole after exposing himself to wax sculptures of Marlon Brando and Mr. T on consecutive Tuesdays last year. "Few people seem to realize that a full grown rhinoceros can weigh over 11,000 lbs. and would sooner impale you on its horn than spend and evening cuddling in your lap."
As baby rhinos approach their adult sizes, they no longer maintain the "ah shucks, that's cute" impression of their younger selves and have been abandoned in record numbers like a girlfriend who suddenly put on too much weight.
"We've received reports of rhinos flushed down toilets, thrown from moving cars, and simply discarded in the streets like you would an old toaster," said spokesman for the World Wildlife Fund Brad Brown.
This would be fine if the rhinos just died or returned to their native Africa, but they have proven to be hardy beasts and terrible navigators. Experts estimate that at least half of discarded baby rhinos reach their full grown adult size living within 30 miles of where they were released.
"A steady diet of garbage, homeless people, and tires allows an abandoned rhino more than enough nutrients to quickly reach its peak size and killing potential," said Brown.
Once in the wild, rhinos have been quick to reproduce. A female rhino will lay as many as 120 eggs at a time, four times a year. With no natural predators, an abundance of food, and teenage girls that pamper them as pets, survival rate for a newly born rhino is nearly 90%.
"This is a dire situation unlike any that has been faced before," said Miami police Chief John Merit. Merit has spent the last year working with a team of officers attempting to put down the rise of rhinos in Miami with minimal to no success. "A full grown rhino is nearly an unstoppable killing machine. Police forces across the country simply are not equipped to handle such a deadly threat. Their tough skin is bulletproof, they are too large to knock down, and some can even shoot laser beams from their eyes."
Prior to 2006, when the baby rhino movement was popularized by a less-than-sober Lindsay Lohan inadvertently mistaking a gray baby rhino for her pink Versace purse, the number of wild rhinoceros in the North America was less than 100. In the three years since, this number has exploded to over 15,000. Experts estimate that if left unchecked, rhinoceros populations in North America could reach 150,000 by 2015 and force humans to abandon the continent completely, likely settling in the sparsely populated country of Greenland where temperatures are too cold for rhinos to thrive.
"Our country gives so much attention to Global Warming, Nuclear Weapons in Iran, and what diseases are being spread by Paris Hilton and yet we ignore what is likely the largest threat to mankind," said Merit. "If we don't start taking the rhino threat seriously, we're not going to be around much longer to not take it seriously.
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