Santa Claus Charged with 106 million Counts of Breaking and Entering
on 1/13/2010 (0)
Sacramento, California - Worldwide Christmas icon Santa Clause was stood before a judge at a Sacramento courthouse earlier today, wept openly, and plead guilty to approximately 106 million counts of breaking and entering. The charges stem from a 2009 Christmas Eve spree that saw Santa enter each and every home in America.
"I knew entering these homes was wrong, but I love giving gifts too much," said Clause. "I apologize to anyone who has been hurt, traumatized, or killed by my actions."
For each breaking and entering offense after the initial offense, Santa faces up to fifteen years in prison. The sentences would be served sequentially, meaning that Santa could end up serving more than 1.5 billion years in prison if sentenced to the maximum penalty. Many states, including California, have harsher breaking and entering penalties if the crime occurs at night, which could further extend Santa's time in prison. With good behavior, Santa would be released sometime after the Sun has gone supernova and destroyed our entire galaxy. Santa is already credited with 15 days served.
Larry Green, attorney for Santa Clause and other popular fictional characters such as the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy, and Kelsey Grammar, is hopeful the judge will show leniency toward his client. A best case scenario would involve several million of the breaking and entering charges being dropped and result in only a several million year long sentence.
"Santa Clause entered these homes, as he has for hundreds of years, with nothing but good intentions," Green told Smooth Operator. "He never forced his way into the homes, never caused any damage to the homes, and never took anything other than milk and cookies. For good girls and boys, he left a plethora of toys and candy."
Defense attorney Darrel Buckethair, no relation to popular country singer Wilf Carter, argued against any special treatment for Santa. Buckethair also got coal in his stocking this past Christmas but he insists that fact to be irrelevant to his opinion of the defendant.
"A crime is a crime and should be punishable the same for everyone, no matter who they happen to be," stated Buckethair. "You cannot justify breaking into millions of homes for any reason. Santa should be punished to the fullest extent of the law."
Court recessed this morning after hearing both sides of the case along with testimony by several hundred victims, some supporting Santa's actions and others against. A verdict is expected to be announced tomorrow.
Several other countries are hoping to bring charges against Santa Clause and have requested his extradition once his sentence has been served. Even in the best case scenario, it seems likely we've seen the last of Santa delivering presents for the rest of our lives.
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