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Apple Computer Celebrates Firing 1,000,000th Employee
by Mark on 12/28/2010 (0)

Don't swallow it, kid, it's no good for you!
CUPERTINO, CA – Apple Computer HQ proudly announced in its company newsletter “Apple Corps” the firing of training specialist Bud David Herman as its proud one millionth. Apple spokeswoman Bernice Barrows-White elaborates:

“Today marks a momentous occasion. I am thrilled to announce the landmark 1,000,000th firing of now former training specialist Bud David Herman for telling an Apple Computer customer to shut up over the telephone. This joyous event rounds off the earlier in the day firing of Billy Ray Beaufort for copying the wrong files onto a laptop from a portable zip drive, and the other 9 employees in his department involved in the alleged spurious data transfer for just being in the same building with him. Hats off to 3rd level Team Leader Tammy Chang for catching 3 employees showing the new Ipad to customers ten minutes before its official release. While our stringent employment rules may seem callous and Draconian to some, let it be known that Apple Computer has been, and always will be on the cutting edge, both literally and figuratively in employee refreshment, thus insuring only the best and brightest employees for our throngs of dedicated Apple enthusiasts.”

Recently terminated Apple employee Bud David Herman dissed, however: “These guys are dicks. They fire people just to get a rise from upper management and assuage their geek-fostered inadequacies. It’s just part of the Steve Jobs 'I once fired a guy alone in an elevator' culture over there. Fuck em’ and fire em’! That’s the Apple Way!”

Apple Corps editor, Brian Brain, did candidly admit that some firings were probably more than a bit impetuous and even queerly Bohemianistic and that “we’ve never even had close to a million people ever working here, anyway.” before being fired himself.


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