Bush, Blair flush out vital U.N. role
ATHENS, Greece - Britain’s’ Prime Minister Tony Blair, speaking before European leaders in Athens said today that recent discoveries within Iraq have fostered an “important and vital role for the United Nations”, reversing several days of speculation that the U.N. would not be included in the reconstruction of Iraq.
|"The City whizz-kids, with salaries only fractionally less than their greed, now seem not only morally dubious, but incompetent" |
“Both U.S. and British Intelligence agencies have been studying reports coming out of Iraq regarding the current level of damage,” Blair said. “In the past 48 hours there have been startling new discoveries that indeed convince us that the United Nations is now desperately needed in the reconstruction of Iraq.”
CENTCOM, CIA and British Intelligence have been closely studying documents and images recently acquired regarding Iraq’s infrastructure. During their analysis, a startling revelation was made.
“We noticed two common threads throughout our examinations,” said a CIA spokesperson. “First, there is a severe problem with the plumbing in Iraq. In ninety-five percent of the video and still images we’ve seen, there is at least one Iraqi carrying either a toilet, or a sink, or some plumbing associated with waste removal. At first we thought it was looting, but that idea just didn’t hold water. When we stepped back and took another look, it hit us smack in the face.”
“Their toilets are backed up. Nothing’s flushing in Baghdad, and we have reason to suspect nothing’s flushing anywhere else in the country. Well, if your drain is backed up, and you’re not properly equipped to unclog the drain, you’ve got a problem. Add to that the fact that you’re in a war zone, with no possibility of getting a plumber for days, and you’re going to take some desperate measures. Removing a toilet, sink or drain pipes are just such measures.”
That breakthrough was significant, said one CENTCOM officer, “But it was the Brits that really hit the jackpot. Their guys noticed something the American intelligence guys missed altogether.”
British Intelligence confirmed the new finding. “We picked up on it once we had photographs from sever of Saddam’s palaces, more specifically, the loo’s. Well, every photo of a palace loo, what you Yanks call the toilet, contained something not expected by any of us. There are bidets in each picture. French bidets, mind you, something we’re just not used to seeing.”
|Actual image of the current state of plumbing in Iraq. |
Both President Bush and Prime Minister Blair were notified once the presence of bidets was confirmed. The two leaders quickly agreed that neither America nor the U.K. was capable of dealing with French toiletry.
“We’re calling on the United Nations to step in, and step in quickly, to help in this time of crisis,” said white house spokesperson Ari Fleischer. “Frankly, most of us here in the U.S. don’t know what to do with a working bidet, let alone what to do with one when it’s backed up, and neither do the British. We do not seek to know how the Iraqis came in possession of French bidets. We seek only their immediate help in getting these bidets, and the rest of
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