Man quests to destroy the Moon
on 5/6/2003 (2)
Jon Nordy was once a typical, non-robotic man from New Jersey. He worked at a typical factory job, making typical factory goods like invisible corn and green shoe polish. "Good for the everyday man" Jon often boasted. He enjoyed such typical activities as walks on the beach and touring sewage treatment plants. "Nothing makes you appreciate life like the smell of raw human faeces," were words that Jon once lived by. As many of his friends described him, he was the quintessential man.
|Actual image of the horror that we call the Moon. |
"He was the quintessential man," described many of his friends.
Jon was happily married to his two wives, Susan and Leslie. Susan was thin and beautiful, and was not afraid to protect her man from the countless zombie attacks they endured after building their home on an ancient Egyptian graveyard. "In hindsight, killing all the ancient Egyptians, burying them in a graveyard, then building my house on top of the graveyard probably wasn't the best thing to do" admits Jon. His other wife, Leslie, was dumb as a rock and had no redeeming values that Jon could tell. Jon often wondered why he even kept her around.
"I wonder why I even keep her around," Jon often wondered.
But alas, this golden dream was soon to come to an end at the hands of the most unlikely of foes, the Moon. Jon pondered one night how good life was, how much he loved his wife Susan, how tolerable his wife Leslie was becoming, and how the hole in LifeSavers candies improves their aerodynamic characteristics. And just then, the Moon lashed out at Jon in the most violent of ways.
|Perhaps the most aerodynamic of all hard candies. |
"It was the most terrible thing to happen to me since a race of subterranean molemen forced me to take Leslie as my second wife," said Jon of the impending incident which he is about to describe. "It was a clear night, and the Moon hung high in the sky like some sort of moon hanging in the sky. Suddenly, as quickly as it had risen, it began unleashing a fury of evil in the form of rocks thrown from outer-space. One of these pieces of pure concentrated evil smashed into my house, bursting through the bedroom window and forever leaving a smaller, nearly unnoticeable scar on the inner right thigh of my wife Susan. This is how the Moon had taken away everything I had, and for this reason, I shall make this Moon pay."
In the six years since this incident, Jon has made numerous attempts to destroy the Moon, but has yet to succeed. Jon has tried such things as:
Shooting the Moon from the sky with a potato gun. Unfortunatly, all Jon had was mashed potatoes and this plan did little more than make a huge, huge mess.
Ignoring the Moon in hopes that it will tire and go away. It didn't.
Barking at the Moon, which did not work but it did alienate Jon from his neighbors, who he suspects are in league with the Moon.
Creating a race of super-intelligent snails to destroy the Moon. Sadly, the snails turned out to be more super-delicious than super-intelligent, though it did lead to Jon becoming a world renowned chef until it was realized that the snails weren't actually snails but were in
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