Man contracts SARS from IRC
on 5/12/2003 (1)
During the past few months, Severe Acute Respiratory Syndrome (SARS) has been sweeping the world like a Jackson 5 reunion tour, leaving death and destruction in it's wake, again like a Jackson 5 reunion tour. Countries all across the globe and into parts of Canada have been hit by SARS, a disease whose only goal seems to be the end of human life as we know it. Previously, it was thought that SARS was only spread through infected monkeys and lab rats or from rusty nails. Now a new method of transmission of SARS has been discovered, a method which threatens computer nerds, hackers, and dorks all across the world.
|You know a disease has made it big when it has it's own Alpine Racing School. |
South Carolina man Tim Sharp became the most recent victim of SARS earlier this week, a disease he claims he contracted while on a hot date with his internet girlfriend, who he claims is "quite the hotty and defiantly not a forty year old man".
"She said she looks just like Christy Turlington," claims Tim Sharp. "I haven't seen her in person, but she sent me a picture once."
Both met up in their favorite IRC channel, #NerdsAndHotChicks, on that fateful day. The two love birds were doing their typical couple activities. They began with an interesting debate about ballpoint pens verses felt-tipped pens. "When you use a ballpoint pen, you're just asking to lose an eye" says Tim Sharp. Tim is a man so paranoid about losing an eye that he once broke both his legs so there would be no chance that he could be injured running with scissors. This heated pen debate inevitably lead to a quick bout of cyber-sex between the two.
"I pretend to be Bill Gates and she pretends to be Steve Jobs," claims Sharp. "It gets pretty hot, as you can imagine it would. Bill Gates likes it uber-rough."
They ended the night with a conversation about the proper techniques for keeping a keyboard clean.
"If I ever have a girl over to my place, I don't want her to think I keep a dirty keyboard," says Sharp. Most that know Sharp think this shouldn't be a concern. "He hasn't even talked to a girl without pissing himself in years," says his very disappointed father. "I may not be a cyborg sent into the past to save mankind and I can't seem to kick my crippling addiction to slamming cough syrup and huffing gasoline, but I do know that chicks don't dig a man who soils himself when he tries to talk with them. I have no doubts Tim will die old and alone, just like his younger brother."
|Artist's rendition of what SARS may look like. Pay special attention to the many 1s and 0s. |
It was two to seven days after this internet meeting that Sharp began to experience the symptoms of SARS.
"I initially noticed a problem when my Palm Pilot, which I have wired into my chest and overclocked to nine thousand megahertz, reported my system temperature to have risen above the optimal operating range," said Sharp. We believe this means he had a fever, but even our crack research team could not be 100% positive. "This guy's a bigger nerd than even we are and a bigger nerd than we could ever hope to be," was their official word.
The high temperature was followed the next day b
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