Exclusive interview with Dr. Germ
on 5/15/2003 (2)
After persistent, laborious negotiations, I was able to obtain a rare interview with Iraq's nefarious Dr. Germ, responsible for Iraq's alleged biological and chemical weapons program. After an obligatory payment of 5000 dollars, a case of Hennessy cognac, and Lakers season tickets, I endured a bone jarring, blind folded drive through the foothills north of Mosul. Upon arrival, I was stripped to the waste, spun in a circle, forced to take an oath of allegiance to Sadam, and thrown into a 4x4x6-holding cell.
|Even the Iraqis appreciate fine liquor. |
After what seemed an eternity, an Iraqi guard opened the grate in the cell door, grinned, and said, "your interview has been cancelled!" Before tears had a chance to well up in my eyes, he retorted, "BAHAHAHA!! Just joking!! Come with me!!"
I was lead up a winding row of stone spiral stairs into a luxurious, mahogany and oak trimmed parlor. Beautiful women in veils served dates and figs on trays. At a huge gold leaf covered desk was Dr. Germ herself, idly tossing a stoppered test tube from finger to finger, like a Vegas handle man.
"Dr. Germ, I'm sure you may have anticipated my first question, does Iraq have chemical weapons?"
Dr. Germ, lifting her head from a microscope, paused to take a nibble from a pistachio baklava, reached in her pocket and withdrew a petrie dish, mottled with a weird pink bacterial culture.
|You like? I like. |
"You Americans have trouble with your hearing! I have stated time and time again, we have no biological weapons. This is a propaganda lie created by your evil George Bush. We are a peaceful people."
She tapped the petrie dish thougtfully against her teeth, and shuffled a handful of letters addressed to Tom Daschle.
"I have brought you here to deliver the word to your people that we are innocent."
She snapped at a passing, muscular servant, "Jahil! Come here!" and gave him a test tube to drink. Jahil drank it, turned purple, yellow, and finally a pleasing crimson, before pirouetting into an indistinguishable mass on the floor.
"Now, be gone with you! Deliver the message!"
I had to retrace the whole process in reverse, and finally got back to Press HQ in Baghdad. I gave the interview draft to my editor, and sat down next to a goat and a sheep, tied up to a tent stake. What's up with the animals?" I asked
"Animals, hell, that's missing journalists Molly Bingham and Johann Spanner, they interviewed Dr. Germ too, you know!"
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