GOP Nominates Hank Hill as Presidential Candidate
on 5/28/2003 (5)
In an unprecedented bizarre bid, the Republican re-election committee has nixed George W. Bush for the 2004 ticket and plans to nominate animated prime-time cartoon character Hank Hill instead.
|Could this be America’s next President? Signs point to Yes. |
Everybody loves Hank Hill! Bellowed Kay Bailey Hutchinson Texas ( R ). "Hank's a Texas native, gotta beautiful loving wife and a fine boy. Sells propane, America LOVES barbeques, I'll tell ya' what!"
When reminded that Hank Hill is a cartoon character created by Mike Judge and not a real person, Hutchinson hushed:
Shhhh!! American voters won't know the difference! That's the beauty of all this! You tell me, son, how a cartoon character can become the number one watched prime time show in America. Look at the Simpsons, 12 seasons running. Hell Hank got higher damn ratings than the Super Bowl! Not even the whole damn Vietnam war ever did that!
"Americans WANT cartoon characters as their ideals. They have a two-dimensional predictable character that makes them seem tame and loveable. No surprises. No missed cues or bad grammar. That's what America wants, and that's what WE want!"
Kay leaned back and pressed the play button on a DVD, and Hank Hill popped up on a 52 inch big screen TV.
Hello America, my name is Hank Hill. I sell propane and propane accessories. Now, I have found a higher calling. I am running for president of the United States of America, I'll tell ya' what! I plan to invite all of America to a Texas barbeque, propane powered, of course, propane let's you taste the meat, and not the heat!"
|Even kids love propane! |
Hutchinson pressed a button and another track popped up:
Some of you want to know what my stand on terrorism is, I'll make this clear, they'll be no burger for Osama BinLaden at my picnic, nosiree, in fact, I'm gonna kick your ass, Osama, I'll tell ya' what!
Hutch pressed the stop key and added:
"We've got tapes for all occasions, and monitors all over the world, including the U.N. Mike Judge and his animation staff are working overtime to provide material for any possible scenario. We can perfectly tailor Hank to any occasion!"
When asked about the seeming lunacy of the whole idea, Hutchinson quipped:
"I'll tell ya' a little secret. If you look closely at this video of Dubya, you'll notice a bundle of cables coming outta his pant leg right here!"
Simpson's creator Matt Groening could not be reached for comment.0" sty
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