Evil lair discovered, global madmen captured
The Pentagon announced today that a startling discovery has been made during the search for weapons of mass destruction (WMD) in Iraq.
|"Throw me a fricken bone." |
A raid on a secret “Lair of Evil Masterminds (LEM)” was conducted in the remote northern region of Iraq early this week, confirming U.S. military suspicions that a number of key ringleaders in Saddam Hussein’s fallen regime were still at large and posing a worldwide threat.
Coalition forces stormed the secret entrance to the underground complex after receiving a tip from a villager in the mountainous Abril region of northeaster Iraq. The man said he had seen unusual smoke rising from a mountaintop crater, and “strange flying machines” disappearing into the haze. He also said there were odd colored lights shooting out of the mountain, and “loud noises all the time, big explosions, announcements about ’15 minutes to laser firing’, and very diabolical laughter.”
|"East, West, just points of the compass, each as stupid as the other." |
Arial photographs confirmed the mountain to be man made. A secret entrance was found at the mountain’s base, which resembled a scarred, bald man. Once inside the complex, it was quickly recognized as the headquarters of SPECTRE, the worldwide organization of evil and longstanding nemesis to James Bond.
Captured in the raid were what is believed to be the masterminds behind every attempt at world domination, destruction and financial collapse for the past 40 years. Over 100 blue-jumpered flunkies were captured along with the top-ranking figures, including:
Ernst Blofeld, the bald pated mastermind behind SPECTRE. Despite his ascertains that he was really just “that Dr. Evil guy in the Austin Powers movies”, he was easily identified by an ugly scar down his right eye, his ever-present white kitty, and an extremely whiney voice. Several women of evil were also taken into custody, including Pussy Galore, Domino Derval and Octopussy. One key member of the SPECTRE regime was killed during the raid. “Number 2” the organization’s puzzling underboss, was mercilessly dropped into a shark-infested pool. Blofeld, who was overheard saying, “You have failed me, No. 2…you know the price for failure, do you not?”is0" style="display:no
Dr. No – Metal-handed missile destruction expert.
Auric Goldfinger – Rotund, carrot-haired Hun with gold fetish.
Emilio Largo – International playboy with penchant for transformer yachts and atomic bombs.
Elliot Carver – Media megalomaniac who once tried to rule world through global television domination. They say he got the idea from Microsoft.
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