Yankees using Flubber filled bats
on 6/9/2003 (0)
In light of the Sammy Sosa bat-corking scandal, a greater revelation has come to light: Flubber has hit the Major Leagues.
|A new evil has surfaced... |
"Cork is a thing of the past."
Yankees chief Joe Torres observes.
"Modern polymer chemistry has come of age in sports. Space age plastics first showed up in batting helmets and catchers gear in the late 70's. Recent developments in plastics used in pole vault gear, mountain boards, kayaks, and even prosthetic limbs have come together in baseball, and coupled with modern body building, combine to make batters a fearsome force to be reckoned with, the like of which have never been seen before."
Torres trailed off as Jeter slammed a 450 line drive into the centerfield scoreboard lights with an earsplitting crack.
"Hehe, that ain't cork, son, that's flubber!"
Torres took a small green gummy ball out of his top pocket and twanged it against the dugout wall, where it ricochet like a bullet against the steel roof and concrete floor, wapped a pissed Andy Pettit on the bean twice before it came to rest in a dozing Enrique Wilson's glove.
"Flubber was designed as a sole material for basketball shoes, just like in the Disney movie, trouble is, it worked TOO well. NBA star Spud Webb donned a pair during the All-star slam dunk contest, and rocketed over the boards and right into a fat ladies lap in the cheap seats! The NBA never tried it again, but we had other ideas...and so did the fat lady!"
Torres picked up what looked like a standard Louisville slugger and with a chop swing wapped a 200 foot practice hit into left field.
When asked if using space age materials to improve performance is ethical, Torres scratched his chin:
"Steroids are illegal, drugs are illegal, so we can't super-size the player, but look at NASCAR, cars get faster, more fuel efficient and more maneuverable every year, so why shouldn't baseball benefit from technology as well?"
Meanwhile, back at the Rawlings Corp, glove manufactures added a Kevlar bulletproof pocket to catcher's mitts and a 2 inch steel liner to batting helmets. Umpires can only obtain high-risk insurance through Lloyd's of London, and New York stadium grounds crew threw a titanium chicken wire cage around the backstop and down fall ball lines as a precaution.
Yankees owner George Steinbrenner added. "You ain't seen nuthin' yet! We called the Air Force ordinance guys, and are replacing the same ol' boring stadium fireworks with a 20,000 lb MOAB fuel-air munition! Look for it this summer!""00" style
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